[ Bonnie ]

I'm Moving To California

2007-07-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

we remodeled ...

Update

2007-07-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

I really don't know why I am updating... I'm sure no one reads my blog anymore... but here I go.

I graduated. Class of 2007! The only thing I can say about that is that I tripped down the stairs and almost did a face-plant!

I was a counselor at a 5th and 6th grade camp, it was great. And then I went to High school camp... it sucked. And now I have one more camp to go, a day camp at the end of this month.

The biggest news I have is my dad got fired so I am moving... to Carmel, California. Not because we have to, my dad could get a new job easy, but because my parents want to. They plan to move before school starts in the fall. My whole house has been under construction (aka: lots of yelling, banging, painting and cleaning). But that should stop pretty soon here, seeing as, my house is going up for sale on Monday.

Andrew and I are still dating. It will be a year on August 29th.

The End.

Happy New Years.

2007-01-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

mmmm... CraZy?

2006-05-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

mmm... CraZy?

ummm lots of news... But nothing I'm willing to share with the world... heh... What I will say is that I've been struggling with the weird-ist things... things I never though I'd have to decide this early in my life... Things I just shouldn't HAVE to decided... But... It being my life... I do have to make those decisions... and I know I have to make these decisions because of other decisions I have made... that mabye... I shoulden't have made... I know this might be starting to get really annoying cause if you are reading... you most likely have NO IDEA what I talking about... actually I KNOW you don't... *grin* So I'll stop babbling on...
Something I AM willing to share is.... well actually... I can't think of anything... *laughs* Pathetic.

♥

sweet 16

2006-05-01T17:15:00.002-07:00

My Sweet 16!

I'm 16 as of today!! More later!!

Don't

2006-04-29T12:21:00.000-07:00

Don't

Love Me, Don't Hate Me

Think About Me, Don't Talk About Me

Forgive Me, Don't Forget Me

Walk with me Not Away from me

Speak to me don't ignore me

Tell me what you think don't leave me out

Like me don't pretend to

Take me as I am don't expect me to change

help me don't let me drive myself into the ground

Protect me don't wound me

Kiss me don't hurt me

reach for me don't run from me

understand me don't stop trying

Hold me don't let me go...

Need me because I need you

Keep me because I'll keep you

Love me because I Love you

(c) Bonnie B.

Don't click Here.

2006-04-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

Built up Frustrations

2006-04-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

Built up Frustrations

Built up Frustrations
all new sensations
new found pleasures
security measures
feel my touch
slip friction clutch

bittersweet emotions
life promotions
so much to master
want it to go faster

understand the words I say
there's so many ways to stray
needing nothing, Wanting it all
be strong, don't fall

Built up Frustrations
all new sensations
new found pleasures
security measures
feel my touch
slip friction clutch

no more lies
just need to improvise
more wrong answers than right
my king of the night

body and soul
I'm yours to control
wrong or right
they'll be no fight

Built up Frustrations
all new sensations
new found pleasures
security measures
feel my touch
slip friction clutch

I miss you so much...

met me in your dreams
go to the extremes
I'll be your reality

Built up Frustrations
all new sensations
new found pleasures
security measures
feel my touch
slip friction clutch

Frustrated sensations
slip friction clutch

(c) Bonnie B.

Blah.

2006-04-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

I owe you an update I think... I've been neglecting this blog... heh...
Well I have dyed my hair... Most of you (even if you did see me) wouldn't even notice the difference and... I'm Turing 16 in 2 days... I'm piercing my ears on the 5th of may... And this summer I will be trying to get my permit so I can drive... I was going to get a summer job... But... I decided I wanted to wait till winter so I can enjoy the summer...
I have made several life changing choices in the last couple of months...Well really in the last year... Most of which I've kept to myself... I'm seeing that as I get 'older' I'm wanting to keep more and more to myself... Locked away... But as Rachel may know... I failed to keep it locked away... But I still wish I had...
I think this year would be the first year I actually took the time to look back on my life so far... And To tell the truth... I'm more than ashamed... But if I had a chance to do it over again... I'm sure I wouldn't do anything different... Because... The choices I made... Were either because I felt there was no other way or just to protect myself... And those other few choices... Where that is just what I wanted to do...Stubborn as I am...
Well I don't want to drag this on... I just wanted to update a little bit for those of you who still read my blog... I Love you all and Miss those of you that I haven't seen in forever...

much love ♥

2006-04-26T15:37:00.001-07:00

Smile for the cammera

2006-04-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

me again

2006-04-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

2006-04-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

Happy...

My Birthday...

2006-04-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

My birthday...is in 17 days.

I'm A Princess...

2006-04-09T00:41:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHA... dont ask really... you DON'T wanna know.

New Layout... YAY!

2006-04-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

new layout. very kool, huh?

Pleasure < Pain

2006-04-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

I can deny myself pleasure... It's pain I can't deny myself

2006-04-04T17:51:00.000-07:00

my Tan...

Vacation Photo

2006-04-04T17:12:00.000-07:00

Me, My great grampa, My mom, My aunt, my grandma and my cousin james.

Vacation Photo

2006-04-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

pouting.. what a surprise.

Vacation Photo

2006-04-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

The Ocean... and Me.

Vacation Photo

2006-04-04T17:04:00.000-07:00

I LOVED the robe

back from vacation

2006-04-04T00:29:00.000-07:00

just a short post to say hi... lots of stuff going on... family stuff... personal stuff... stuff stuff. hehehe. Missin the sun already... (I was in OC, California) and yeah... Love you all

<33 Bons

2006-03-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

All my Blue Eyed Girls...

2006-03-24T20:10:00.000-08:00

My Other Love. My Ipod <33

2006-03-24T20:09:00.000-08:00

All I want is for you to understand

Updating a little

2006-03-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

Been writing alot... Been listening to music ALOT... Been reading a little.... Been sleeping alot..... Been on the phone a little... Been up late alot... Been hearing yelling.... ALOT... looking happy for show... alot... Been crying with no one to comfort me.... All the time.

A Thousand Miles Lyrics

2006-03-21T16:39:00.000-08:00

Artist: Vanessa Carlton Lyrics
Song: A Thousand Miles

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces passed
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making my way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories

'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

And I, I
Don't want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't....

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces passed
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making my way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you...

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight

I may break

2006-03-15T22:03:00.000-08:00

I think I may break
there's just so much at stake
wanting it all
but knowing that could be the
reason for our fall

everything so perfect, so true
But nothings perfect, So I'm scared
that I'll end up losing you
going crazy thinking
maybe that's why I never do

this love of ours is sweet
but it hurts me
just waiting for my defeat
this love you give
holds me captive

I think I may break
there's just so much at stake
wanting it all
but knowing that could be the
reason for our fall

it wasn't supposed to happen
never this way
I meant to leave you
before you had a chance
to burn me

but every time I saw you
I forgot my plan
laughed with you and kissed you
no, it wasn't supposed to be that way
but I'm happy it did

I wouldn't give this way
for anything
please you must understand
I Love you... I always will

I think I may break
there's just so much at stake
wanting it all
but knowing that could be the
reason for our fall

I can't bear it when your sad
wish I could kiss your pain away
laugh for me, smile for me
man I've got it bad....

I think I may break
there's just so much at stake
wanting it all
but knowing that could be the
reason for our fall

I don't ever want to fall.... Not unless your there to catch me

(c) Bonnie Broderick

Busy?

2006-03-15T10:49:00.000-08:00

heh. So little update. John's been back for a few days and I've been hanging with him and Li (his school friend) who may I add, is a really cool guy but picks out horrible movies. lol. But anywho that's basically what I've been doing... Hanging out with them... My parents are starting to get a little peeved cause they say I don't have to spend EVERY day with him... But he's leaving again till may 20th and I want to get my time with him before he leaves... But yeah... No one wants to hear about that ... But nothing else is really going on right now... So I guess I'm done... lyl

<333Bons

Just so everyone knows this is my Brothers Gf....

2006-03-10T20:29:00.000-08:00

Connor's "Girlfriend"

Don't Understand

2006-03-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

I know you love me
and I know you care
your everything
your mine

but nothings perfect
I know that well
nothing perfect but
I tell you, all of my faults
where's my verdict?

do you not trust me?
I just don't understand
why you can't tell me first-hand
is there a reason your protecting
me from you?
don't you understand all I want
is you?
but I can't do that at arms length
only when we're level
Do you not trust me?

I know it may sound stupid
but really who cares?
nothing I can say will change you
and stuff you keep from me
I might never know

but we both know
it always comes back later
and this will never work
if your not honest with me
I promise I won't be angry

do you not trust me?
I just don't understand
why you can't tell me first-hand
is there a reason your protecting
me from you?
don't you understand all I want
is you?
but I can't do that at arms length
only when we're level
Do you not trust me?

I just don't understand
why can't you just tell me?

do you not trust me?
I just don't understand
why you can't tell me first-hand
is there a reason your protecting
me from you?
don't you understand all I want
is you?
but I can't do that at arms length
only when we're level
Do you not trust me?

Why don't you trust me?

(c) Bonnie B.

just ONE thing

2006-03-10T19:40:00.000-08:00

RESPECT... Thats all I ask for...

Update on the Life of Bonnie....

2006-03-08T23:50:00.000-08:00

The biggest and most dramatic change in my life right now is that, my little brother Connor, is now homeschooled with me... And I must say I'm having a very hard time with it... Not only cause I get less attention (which may sound selfish but... Either way my brother got more attention) but because my brother is well... My brother... If you know him you know what I mean, if you don't... You really have NO idea. But I'm going to think of it, of like a test of sorts... But I know so far I'm not getting a good grade on it. Speaking of grades... This has effected my schoolwork... A little... I just haven't been able to focus... I always have a problem with that but with my brother... It makes it that much harder...
The next big change also has to do with my brother... He has a girlfriend... That's 6 inches taller than him and ... Well not a girl I really want my brother with... I mean I guess she's a nice girl and all but... He's WAY too young and...Yah.. I'm not gonna get really into this subject cause if I start, I'm sure I'll say something I regret. So moving on....
John (Clanton) gets back on Friday morning, which I'm happy about... But my brother want to double date with me and him... ARGGG... And ahhh I think we (John and I) are planning to go to lunch at L.O. because for one I know ppl and for two he knows a whole freakin' lot of ppl that haven't seen him in foreva. So I'm sure that'll be entertaining. Ooo and John's bringing one of his cell buddies (school mates? lol) back with him. So they'll be here from the 10th to the 19th. I'm not really sure but whatev.
There's really nothing else interesting to say... I went to the museum a while ago... The Hesse exhibit... I loved it... Which is kinda weird but I love that era, the whole medieval/ Victorian/ renaissance eras. But yeah so I'm tired... I'm gonna go to bed now... Count sheep or something..

<33 Bons

Details disappear

2006-03-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

Details disappear
just when you think
you've got nothing to fear
when you've stopped hiding
from the shadows
from the pain

facts fade
feeling like you've
been betrayed
by all who said
they'd never

Details are disappearing
facts are fading
reasons are slipping
meanings are dissolving
reality is vanishing
nothing will stay

reasons slip away
knowing later you'll
have to pay
for everything
you say

meanings dissolve
just when you've
come to your resolve
nothing making sense
when it matters most

Details are disappearing
facts are fading
reasons are slipping
meanings are dissolving
reality is vanishing
nothing will stay

reality vanishes
waiting for some kind
of advantages
so that you don't
feel so, so far behind

Details are disappearing
facts are fading
reasons are slipping
meanings are dissolving
reality is vanishing
nothing will ever stay

(c) Bonnie B.

2006-03-05T16:53:00.000-08:00

Bons

Never

2006-03-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

Feeling like nothing I do is right
always needing to fight
for the respect I know I deserve
always having to look away
pretend like I don't care
that they look at me the way they do

it never ends
it never goes away
in the end you ALWAYS have to pay

I know what I am, who I am
but knowing who I wanted to be still hurts
I may look like I didn't get it
but the truth is, I didn't want to
I may act like I'm ok with that
but the cold hard truth is I hate it.

It never ends
it never goes away
in the end you ALWAYS have to pay

Looking away, knowing I'll have to pay
Crying when I know, no one will care
all the pain I have to share
complaining about everything to forget
all the things inside if me that are hurting
maybe I am shallow, foolish and small
but how would you know, if you never really look

it never ends
it never goes away
in the end you ALWAYS have to pay

I see every look they give me
I know you think I don't
surgar coating words to make it seem funny
I know its not
But laughing is better than crying
yeah, laughing is better than trying
to explain how I feel

it never ends
it never goes away
in the end you ALWAYS have to pay
in the end you wish you hadn't strayed

(c) Bonnie Broderick

Don't tell it's not mean --- tainted

2006-03-05T15:04:00.000-08:00

Really Don't care if you meant to or not... you did it.

"Most boring and shallow magazines of all time--- all of which Bonnie subscribes to."

"cooing over her long-lost lover"

"for some reason bonnie has a copy of 'Stories and Poems for Extreamly Intelligent Childern Of all Ages' -- sitting in her room"

"keep hearing the words "I Love You" and Kinky coming out of Bonnies mouth"

"I didn't fall or slip at all, opposed to Bonnie who everytime I looked at her, was on her face or her butt."

Quotes from Rae's Blog

***

Part One of My trip

2006-02-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

I know this was a while coming but I've been EXTREMELY tired ever sense I've been back. So here is the long awaited update on what I experienced in Biloxi, Mississippi.

The Plane Ride there

I got to the airport at 11:30... (way early) everyone was going to get there at 12:00 and we would take off at around 1:30. There was 4 girls going and 4 guys. (Girls: Me, Marie, Hillary, and Dani. Boys: Andy, Nick, corbin and Gram.) So everyone was there with their parents around 12:20 and then My parents left and after a little while everyone else's parents left too.
We then went though all the airport stuff and got to our gate. Then we were allowed to wander a bit to look at shops. I was going to go get myself some caffeine But I decided against it and read instead.
So this whole time I'd hardly said two words to anyone... So I introduced myself to the only person I didn't know, Corbin. I did that because he sat next to me while I was reading... And he was kind of bugging me... But yeah after I introduced myself I went to the girls bathroom cause... Well its my haven (as you may have figured out by now) and I checked the mirror and went back out cause we were going to board anytime now.
boarding was well boarding. At first when I saw where I was sitting I wasn't very happy, cause I was going to have to sit in-between Dani (very gorgeous girl) and Matt (our pastor/leader) and just so we all know sitting in the middle on a plane SUCKS. But the plane wasn't very full so Matt went and sat with Andy who had a row to himself, and I got to sit by the window (my favorite seat) and dani sat on the isle seat, so there was a seat in-between us.
The flight was relatively good. It was a little bumpy but it was still, ok. I listened to my Ipod and read for most of the flight but what I liked best about this flight was the sunset... OMG it was amazing... The colors were nothing like what I'd seen before in a sunset, so I watched as the sun slowly sunk behind the horizon.
A while later we landed in Huston, Texas. We all went to the next gate that would take us to New Orleans, Mississippi (on the way I saw a cockroach) and put all our take-on luggage down with one of the leaders and wandered around the Texas airport. I don't really remember anything really exciting about being there really... There were some cool stores and stuff but after about an hour and a half we were off again in another plane.
Now this flight I had NO luck with seating I was stuck in the middle seat with 2 complete strangers that were for some reason really not happy... But this flight was really short... Only hour (compared to the 6 hour flight I had just taken) and I don't really remember much from it. We landed and got our luggage and got in to the 3 vans that showed up 5-10 minutes later.

The Car Ride To Biloxi

The car ride there ended up taking about 2 hours I was in a car with all males... 3 were leaders and the other one was Andy. And Andy happened to have a movie player, so we watched the Italian Job for most of the car ride... It was too dark to see anything outside cause it was (Mississippi time) about 11:45. But as I got closer to the destination I was aware of the devastation the hurricane had done. And I noticed how many RV.s there were... More than I've ever seen before.
Then we got to "the base" (as we call it) at 12:30-ish and trooped in dead tired with all our luggage.

The Base

Let me take this time to tell you a little about the "base". The base is run/owned by Salvation Army. The base itself is ... Well its a stadium. I'd say more about it and I'd explain what It looked like but... I think I'd be better to just show you pictures. I'll have pictures of my trip hopefully soon so... Bare with me here.

Dead Tired

There was a girls half and a boys half. Me and the other 3 girls were shown to a cabin/ house like thing, that some Amish made. I unpacked some of my stuff while the other girls looked around a bit. After I was done I looked around a bit and washed my face and went to bed. I slept pretty good, but I woke up 7:00 am (Mississippi time) because I was cold and because there were people talking loudly outside our room. We were allowed to sleep in till 9:00 because it was Sunday but I was already awake. So I got out the book I had been reading and finished it. It was then around 7:35 so I got up and got dressed (and before you ask no, I did not put any make-up on).

Dressed and ready... For what??

I ended up eating Lucky Charms (My favorite Cereal!!) and sitting in a big stuffed chair all by myself, freezing, thinking WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW?

Church

A while later I found out that we were gonna go to church. So I grabbed my bible and notebook and got back in one of the vans to drive to the church.
I personally thought that it was AMAZING! The church was (of course) all torn out inside and outside, and the majority of the people were black ... If I closed my eyes I sware I felt like it was way back when. The times when all they had was each other, their voices and God... You could feel the power of it all...
When the service ended we all got back in the vans and hung out most of the rest of that day. The real work would begin tomorrow.

Gone

2006-02-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

Im Off to Mississippi!! 'll be back on the 18th.

<3333
Bons

Details on Biloxi Missions trip

2006-02-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

Its from the 11th to the 18th. I will be taking a plane from here to Houston, from Houston to New Orleans and we will drive from New Orleans to Biloxi. On the way back instead of stopping in Houston we will stop in Chicago.
The rough outline of my Schedule is this:

7:00 am- Breakfast
7:45 am- Receive the day's assignments
8:30 am- Show up on the worksight
12:00 pm- Lunch
5:00 pm- Return to the dorms, get cleaned up
6:00 pm- Dinner
7:00 pm- Chapel/ gathering time
10:00 pm- "lights out"

So yeah thats my update.

<3 Bons

Yours Truly

2006-02-07T15:36:00.000-08:00

Look away

You Know

2006-01-31T16:40:00.000-08:00

Things that shouldn't happen
people who don't really care
things are getting harder
surprised I never heard my heart tare
because we all know it happened
somewhere along the way

You know I'm lost
but what you don't know is
I'm so very afraid
You know the cost
but what you already know is
you don't really care

So, In a world like this
when you always feel like you miss
In this world filled with nothing
all you know is ...

You've been turn inside-out
been lied to, and cried
but when everything seems like
nothing worth it anymore
you see that glimpse of heaven
and everything doesn't seem so bad

Its funny how things change
how with every twist it gets strange
how with every day
I seem to change in every way

wanting to laugh, to cry
everyday I ask why
but I know the answer
it infects me like a cancer

So, In a world like this
when you always feel like you miss
In this world filled with nothing
all you know is ...

You've been turn inside-out
been lied to, and cried
but when everything seems like
nothing worth it anymore
you see that glimpse of heaven
and everything doesn't seem so bad

You know I'm lost
but what you don't know is
I'm so very afraid
You know the cost
but what you already know is
you don't really care

You really don't...

(c) Bonnie B.

Biloxi, Mississippi Missions Trip

2006-01-31T16:14:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to go on a missions trip to go and help... In my small way... My parents decided that now was the time to act on that... So on February 11th I will be going to Biloxi, Mississippi to do what I can to help with the hurricane relief.... I'm really excited and scared to be all on my own with no family or friends I know of... I know this will be a life changing experience for me and I'm going to try to get the most out of it... My mom had a friend that went to Biloxi and she sent my mom her report on what she did and saw... The devastation sounds horrible... I know we have heard about all this on the news and what-not... But the reality of it is that IM going to help put back what the hurricane took away... And for me.... I guess it made it that much more real.... SO I'm asking for your prayers and encouragement as I get closer and closer to leaving... I think I will be gone 7-10 days... I will update later on it because on Sunday I'm going to a meeting about it... Thanks for caring... heh

<3Bons

Frisbee in 5 inches of mud....

2006-01-31T13:31:00.000-08:00

I know I said I wasn't going to play anymore... But I wasn't planning on playing... That's why I was wearing my new shirt and shoes.... Sadly my shoes got really muddy but my shirt only got a little bit of mud on it... My pants got really muddy but that's no big deal... But from the beginning... I got dressed and set aside my Ipod, cell phone AND my book... At around 3:30 Adam, Evan, and Sara showed up in the van and I grabbed my stuff and started upstairs... Remembered my cell was plugged in and went back to get it... Got it and decided it was kind of rude to bring my book... So I left it there... And went out to the van... And we drove up to where we were playing... When we got there we found out 6 people we didn't know were playing also... 3 girls and 3 guys... So there was going to be Adam, Anna, Evan, John, Sara, James, Alex, Luke, Chris and the other 6 people... Which I was introduced too... But I have a horrible memory and can't really remember them... So everyone was talking to people and I felt kind of out of place... I don't know why... Then Me and Rae both got a little muddy... I hadn't meant to... But you know how it is... Got my new shoes muddy... Then took them off and got my feet all muddy... heh.... Then we ran down to the swings and then Alex and Luke got there and then Anna and James... And then we were starting and we did teams and I was with John, Anna, Sara, Joe, and the 3 guys I didn't know... And the other team was Alex, Evan, James, Luke, Chris, Rae and the 3 girls... Adam didn't play, he said it was because of a broken toe later... But I have my suspicions... So we started playing... I ended up not really being included... Which I really didn't mind much but... I didn't want to be walking back and forth on 5 inches of mud... So I bailed... Which may have made me look like a bad sport or a drama Queen but really that wasn't it.... But anyways I went and did what I do when I'm bored or whatever.. Listen to my Ipod... I <3 My Ipod... heh... So I got to listen to all of about 1 1/2 songs when Adam of all people found me... So he asked me if I was alright... which I was and said some other suff... and he told me something I had alreddy been told but It was very amusing hearing it from him... so He ended up talking to me for a while... which was weird but amusing... Because Adam never really had said much to me before... we mostly talked about his school and how he likes to show off and Boys and their toys.... heh his words NOT mine... AND just so everyone knows I was in NO way flirting with him... cross my heart and hope to die... the reason I say that is because after the game was over and done with people made comments like that...Its not that I mind much... but I think Adam might have... but anywho I was freazing ... so I decided to put my shoes on and then I decided I'd run around the feild... So I did and it helped.... then Chris gave me his coat (cause he's kool like that) and that was warm but I ran around once more.... then my cell rang and it was my mom... and she wanted to bing me home now... so I guess Rae talked to Adam and he said he'd take me and Rae back to Rae's house... So Rae changed and we got drove back to Rae's... Overall it was pretty fun... the experience not the game...

Feel

2006-01-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

Sleeplessness, excited
tired, sleep
awake, dressed
ready, happy
upset, blah
bored, bored, bored
not happy, less happy, mad
late, really late, too late
get there, scared
looks, doesn't find
upset, sad
calls home, talks, hangs up
tries to stay cool
sees a few faces, says a few words
pose for the world, hide sadness for later
car pulls up, gets in, drives away
mad, sad, mad
hasn't eaten anything, faint
doesn't eat, pushes limit
breaks down, eats
sighs, wanders
nods, ignores
yelling, yelling, YELLING
cowers, jumps
sad, plays music
ignores, sad
phone rings, its for mom
yelling stops, mom gets on phone
I wait, listen to music
still waiting, hoping

Quoting Myself how Ironic...

2006-01-23T15:28:00.000-08:00

"Don't Mind Me... I have a morbid view of myself... And have a hard time believing that people stick up for me or believe in me...." Quoting myself how Ironic... I want to explain why I said that... Not really to you... But to myself....

I say this because.... *sigh* before I write all this I want you to understand I DON'T feel sorry for myself... It may seem like that... But its not the case... I do at times feel sorry for myself... But really who doesn't? So Please Just... Don't.

I said that because as a child I always was the trouble maker... The kid no one wanted to babysitt, or have in their class... I was just never the kid my parents wanted me to be.... I always had bad grades and report cards... Saying things like "disruptive" "doesn't stay on her chair" "needs improvement"... They thought I had ADD for the longest time... I got tested... Who knows how many times... They still couldn't tell... So they put me on a drug to see if it had any positive affects on me... It didn't... I couldn't eat... Had a even harder time sleeping then usual... My stomach always hurt... I started to always have my arm wrapped around my middle to comfort myself... To this day I use it to comfort myself... They eventually took me off... Slowly... After that ... It was the begging of 6th grade... My mom took me out of the school I was in and put me into a advanced private Christian school... They had me take a test to place me in a grade that "suited" me... They said I wouldn't be able to go into the 6th grade class... I wasn't smart enough... That day I know I failed my parents in some major way... I cried and threw a fit... Which is was what I always did... And they said I could give 6th grade a chance... I tried as hard as I could to stay in that class... But they ended up taking me out of the 6th grade class... And put me in a 5th grade class... I tried to stay away from all the people that would recongnise me in the 6th grade class... But soon the whole school knew I was "put back" not smart enough... Not normal... That began my 3 years at the school from he11... I didn't have any friends for the longest time... But it was a Christian school and the teacher had someone befriend me... Humiliating... So the 2nd year I had mainly had 2 friends Cassie and Jordan... Cassie was an over bearing bossy brat... a single child... Jordan was just different, she loved horses... Was obsessed... I still wasn't making the cut... Still getting bad grades, bad report cards... I was a freak, someone to laugh at... The girl who got put back... I'd go to the bathroom sometimes and just cry... cry cause I let my parents down... Cry cause I let Myself down.... Cried cause I hated how I heard whispers every time I saw someone form my short-lived 6th grade class.... They wouldn't let me forget it... My mom was paying good money for this school and I was flunking... After 3 years she took me out... And I was once again introduced back into the public school by my house... Jr. High...7th and 8th... I thought I'd finally get away from the whispering and the stares and have a new start... I was wrong... My first day of school I found out to my horror that I knew allot of the kids from the 8th grade year... My old class mates.... I tried to Ignore it... The stares I was getting the whispers... Pretended I was imagining it... But they wouldn't let me either... a girl walks up to me... Sara... a gorgeous, popular girl and says "your Bonnie right? You were in my class, why are you in 7th grade?" she was mocking me... I almost broke down and cried right there... But I put on a brave face and said that I went to am advanced private school and that I was placed in a lower grade... So she says " you mean put-back, right?" I nod... Not knowing what to say... Not able to say anything else with out crying... She laughs and walks off whispering to her blonde companion... From them on I knew I was NEVER going to be known as anything else but "the-girl-that-got-put-back"... And I would have been right... I tried to get into the 7th grade "popular" group... But they were just waiting for me to mess up I did... I always do... The one thing I couldn't handle was the lunch room... I was afaid of the lunch room... Really I was terrified... It sounds funny... Don't you think?... But its true... So allot of the time I would go to the bathroom and eat my lunch in a stall... It sounds like something out of a movie right?... Well I did... And as I had for so long I just sat and cried in the bathroom... Because I'd never get away from it all... Because I let down myself... My parents... I was sick of it all... I was sick of being scared... Of letting them label me... So after I couldn't get into the "popular group" the only other choices I had were the nerds or the goths.... I hated the nerd group... They all annoyed me.... The goths... They were... My way out of the label "the-girl-who-got-put-back"... So I started to hang with them and got into things I wish I hadn't but I was SO sick of this... Of life... I started cutting myself... It was.... It was like a physical pain made my emotional pain seem less... I don't know... I was still flunking... But I didn't care anymore... But truly I did.... But I could at least pretend I didn't now... My report cards always had red ink telling my parents... I wasn't participating... My parents would yell at me... At each other... It was tarring me up... I cut myself more and more as the year progressed... Kept getting into things I couldn't have... One day I forgot to cover up my badly cut-up arm from my mom... She saw it... And the look she gave me... I had yet again let her down in a major way... I don't really know what she said or what happened... I know my parents talked to me... But I don't know if I really heard... They took me to a psychologist... I had been to one before but not for something like this... I don't really remember that either but... I ended up on prozact... a depression drug... I slowly made my dosage to a little more that 50mg... That's about as much as a average male would take... And I guess it helped... a little... But I still was in the Goth group... In the last months of my 7th grade year I was dressing normally and acting like a average mad public schooler... Still flunking... At the end of 7th grade year my mom told me I wasn't going to go here next year... I wasn't really surprised... I was surprised when she said she was homeschooling me... But at that point... I would have agreed to almost anything.... Just as long as I didn't have to go to that school anymore... On a slight tangent... During 7th grade... In the middle of it when all this stuff was going down... The one place I felt... Well safe.. Was church... The ONLY place I was happy... I had a big group of "friends" .... It was a weird set up... But it all fell apart at the seams... I had 2 close friends out of the group Meg and Rae... And I found out Meg didn't think to highly of me... At all... It was... Too much... I found out though Rae because Meg was telling all my friends what she really thought about me... And Rae was the only person who cared enough about me to tell me what was going on... The only one who told me what was being said about me... You know what I did... I went to the girls bathroom... And you guessed it I cried... And cried... And cried.... My whole world was coming down around me... Rae, because she stuck up for me, went down with my ship... The group disowned us... Meg kept trying to apologize... But I have a stubborn pride... And I couldn't be friends with someone who thought so lowly of me... The reality of it is that When No One else believed in me, when no One else stuck up for me... Rae did... And if she hadn't... I wouldn't Be alive today... I know that sounds dramatic... But ... It's true... I would have ki11ed myself... I was sick of it all.... And losing my friends... Would have been the thing to but me off the edge... I want you to grip the reality of this... Just because ONE person believed in me and helped me I'm still ALIVE... Rae saved my life... One person.... One choice changed the course of my life.... ONE choice YOU make can make a difference in their life...... Don't say I'm being dramatic and that really I would have made it... Or one thing you do won't change anything... Because it just ISN't true.... So a combo. Of My friendship with Rae and being homeschooled got me off prozact and I started to finally be something.... I've been home-schooling for about 2 years now and I'm finally getting good grades... I'm finally seeing that there's MORE to me... That I AM beautiful... Cause I never believed it... Rae Is My best friend... I think she always will be... And I'm so happy that God Gave me her...

***NOTE: As this is all in the past, I have forgiven Meg for any pain she has caused me, and we have moved on.***

Yesterday....

2006-01-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first day I enjoyed being ungrounded. I got to go to 11:15 service at church and see all my friends... I get there and walk up to Caitlyn and Rae, and they say Hi, then Rae's all like "do you know someone named Katie from ccs?" and I said I did and she says well she was at that thing I was last night and she just randomly said 'Do you know someone named Bonnie B? Well she's a s1ut.' .... ahhh HELLO?! I was the nobody in the corner when I went to that school!!! grrr so I stomped off... trying to get to the girls bathroom (my haven) but I sware everything was in my way *sigh* but I got there and Rae was after me and She told me how she and the other girls chewed her out... (which, may I add, I don't know if I completely believe... I believe she did but *grinz* Don't Mind Me... I have a morbid view of myself... And have a hard time believing that people stick up for me or belive in me....) So I left the bathroom and talked to a few other people before church started and after I talked to a few more people, then Rae, Caitlyn and I wandered off and then Caitlyn left... Then Rae and I bumped into Andrew and followed him around ... Until we followed him to where they have the pop machine and we bought pop.... Then we had Daddy (aka Rae's dad, Ben) drive us to the outdoor mall thing with the movies near the church and looked at shops, tried on stuff, messed around and then went to the movies ... Rae bought a large popcorn, a big kit-kat, some sour stuff and peanut-butter pieces for us, then we saw Tristan and Isolde... Which was a VERY good movie... I cried... But that doesn't say much, I cried at king Kong... *grin* but after that I had to change because as I had known ahead of time there was no way I could have walked very much farther in my swexy boots and skirt... So I went to the bathroom and put on my sweats and running shoes I had brought with me and we walked back to the church... We got there and we were put straight to work... We ended up babysitting 8 kids... Ages 11 months to 11 years... We were supposed to have 6, and the youngest was supposed to be 3... The varying ages made it hard crowd to please... very tiring... We watched Veggie tales, made sure the baby didn't put legos into her mouth and poured lots of drinks... That finally ended at 7:00 and me and Rae cleaned the room and Ben took us to Rae's where my mom picked me up... And I went home and watched T.V. till 11:30... Then I took a shower and went to bed sometime after 12:00.... I was really tired... Surprised I managed to stay up as late as I did....

How Compatible are You with me?

2006-01-18T17:55:00.000-08:00

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Rae's match with Bonnie
they're 66% similar
And they're 67% complementary

How Compatible are You with me?

How Compatible are You and Your
Friends?

Modeling...

2006-01-17T11:01:00.000-08:00

Ok so yesterday I was at the mall with my mom and brother. We went to Zumez to get Connor some new shoes... I sware I thought I was bad, we were there over 2 hours looking. I was really bored... So I just wandered around the store thinking... (and if you don't know, when I think I get this pouty look on my face) but there I was standing there... Majorly spacing-out and some lady comes up to me, she was a Modeling Scout. (and Yes I have been approached by them before... It wasn't really a new thing... But I donno) She said I "have really good look for modeling" *rolls eyes* and then she hands me her card and says I should give them a call *yawn* and leaves. Not new, the only think that was new was me, I started to think about what it would be like to actually take them up on it. And yes I know, in this business it takes money to make money But... I couldn't help wondering... Can't help wondering... But yah know.

(hehehe here's their Web-site.)

>New Points< Im gonna keep adding more until its done so if you like my life story keep checking in and comment (plez) if not then ignore it :(

2006-01-10T13:14:00.000-08:00

I'm going to skip most of it up until Christmas eve. Christmas eve My family and I went to the Christmas eve service at the earliest service, because we were going downtown later that night to meet some relatives at some fancy restaurant. So, there I was sitting in the front row (like always when I go to my parents service) and we were early and I was bored So I said Hi to a few people I knew and sat back down still very bored. I turned around a recongnised the boy that was sitting directly behind me, So being as bored as I was I.. Well listed-in to what him and (I was assuming) his family were saying. I found out that John (the boys name) now went to a military Boarding school in Texas (though I had remembered him going to L.O.) and some other non- interesting things but after a while the service started and I endured the weirdness of the service... It wasn't bad really... Just different. Then I really had to go to the bathroom at a really odd part of the service (there was some girl doing some ballet like dancing... It was really interesting...) so I left for the bathroom. When I came out I saw John at the drinking fountain. And I guess I said something along the lines of "so military school, huh?" and so we walked back to service and said a few things along the way. SO yah I endured the rest of the service and then a guy I also recongnised that had sat across the way came and said Hi to me, after he left I turned to get my stuff (and yes I was looking around to see if John was still there, I didn't see him) so I got my stuff, put on my coat and looked up to see John standing there. He ended up asking for my number, I gave it to him. Later that night he called and asked if I wanted to go to the movies with him the day after Christmas, I (knowing I had nothing better to do) said I'd love to. A little while later me and my family headed downtown to some fancy restaurant that I didn't like. And sat there smiling and nodding and whatever else they required of me. (yawn) But the meal ended up being like a little under $300 for the 6 of us 0.0. So that ended after a reeeealy loooong tiiime. And The next day was Christmas and the was fun (duh) and the next day I went to the movies with John, we saw King Kong. It was really good! I cried (so embarrassing!! O well) ((((((to be continued.... Cause I'm lazy))))))

Kay so yaah... Went to the movies. And he walked me home and met my parents. OK so this for me was weird... For one I don't GO on dates with guys... Not really anyways... And this WAS a date and for two I had NEVER EVER introduced any guys to my parents, well that I could help. It was fine but... Weird. So after he left I was still kinda dazed... Ok maybe more than a little but hey. So yaah I go to my room and think and whatever. I don't really remember when he called me next but he did and I said I would met him another time. But that never worked cause I ended up going to Rae's House because I wanted to go shopping with her. So my mom picked her up... And we left her house... Ran into traffic... Mom then says "there's too much traffic, Lets just take Rae Back Home"... Me and Rae "NO WAY"... Mom dose it anyways... pfft we were not happy! So we asked my mom if I could just sleep-over at her house and I could go home with her on Thursday after church... My mom said yes... Her mom said Yes... I was in. So I ended up staying at her house for 3 days and we made plans for her to come to my place for 3 days too, cause I was hosting a NYE party at my house and needed her help prepping. So yaaah me and Rae hung-out and whatever and I remembered I had a date with John (oops) I called my cell (which my brother had) and asked Connor if anyone had called for me... John had and Conner had told him I was going to be at Rae's for till Thursday. *sigh* so MY BROTHER had cancelled on MY date... (cue me screaming heh) so I asked my brother to give me his number (which was on my phone) and some other numbers I had to call to see if they could come to my party or not. SO I called John and apologized and said I had not planned this and said I'd have to call him later to reschedule... He didn't sound too happy but I had no other choice at that point so.... I moved on (haha) me and Rae did the usual mischief and stayed up late woke up... Late *laughs* then it was Thursday and we went to church and then went to my house and hung-out there too. I called John at some point too inviting him to my New Years Eve Party. Meanwhile Rae and I... or rather I was putting off party plans cause well... I'm a procrastinator... I know its shocking haha oooooor not. So yahh then it comes down to like 5 or 6 hours till the party and Rachel (of course) takes command and put me into gear so we start to decorate and whatever and then we remember we also need to get food (cause my mom bailed out on me) and get movies to watch AND get ready (cause I was still in my PJ's) So we took it up a notch and did all the things we NEEDED to do before me left to get the food and such at the store. At the Store Rae (because I was broke LIKE ALWAYS) spent around $40 on food and whatever. We were seriously booking it cause we had to walk (run) back home with all the stuff we bought (which may I add was heavy, or maybe I'm just a wimp) then we checked out two movies: Dark Water and Alexander )both of which Rae picked out FYI. *grinz* Love you Rae)(P.S.-DON'T RENT ALEXANDER I SWARE ITS A G@Y P0RN-0 MOVIE!!! LITERALLY *deep breaths* anywho) so yeah we got what we needed (which basically was 4 piazzas, 2 bags of chips, 2 packs of oreo's,2 packs of assorted candy and two 12-pack sodas) and carried that about half a mile back to my house (on about 3 hours of sleep). SO we got home in one piece with all the stuff and had enff time to set up and get the rest of the way ready. After a while Jeremy and Nick showed up, then a while later John showed up and a long while after that James and Sean showed up. (yes I had invited girls to my party... But I don't know many girls and the few I DO know and can tolerate were either busy or just hate me *grinz*) So yaah there we all were at my party... Talking and such, it was really fun just chilling with my friends! Most of the party is kinda blurry for me cause for one I was tired and two... It was a while ago... (or maybe just seems like it cause SOO much has happened) but I'll give you the gist of it... People talked, watched the movie, we played hide and seek tag in the dark... Some ppl went down to the store and Got energy drinks (yummy) and at one point Mike (AKA stalker Mike (( he is named this because he called me 72 time in 3 days... And those were my MISSED calls...)) he earned his name) stopped by (he had also stopped by earlier before my party too to BEG me to go out with him... *shudder*) and he was being his normal creepy self so just so he got the hint I started like REALLY flirting with John and calling him My Boyfriend and whatever so that mike would leave me ALONE!! He got the hint... *grinz* Rae (the whole time he was there) really wanted to hit him, but she didn't sadly. So yeah then mike left and we all were chilling again. And Before I knew it, it was 11:50 (almost midnight) and I made them stop there (creepy) movie and we all counted down and made LOTS of noise and confettie and I... I got my midnight Kiss (with John) outside the backdoor *grinz* That was the first time I got to do that before VERY fun... But then James decided to tell everyone what exacly their host was doing (thanks SOO much James hahaha) So yeah the party was winding down cause everyone had to leave at 1:00-ish... So after the party the place was A MESS... But me and Rae we just Went to bed it was around 2:00 then and we had stayed up pretty late for 6 days now so yaaah we slept pretty well!! (((To be Continued.... Cause... I'm busy))))

So we got to sleep till 9:30 cause we had to get up and get ready for church at 11:15. We were SOO tired but we managed to get ready and look... Well pretty hott (well Rae at least *grinz*) So we go to Church and I had told John he had to come because... He did haha and so he was there and we found Caitlyn and low and behold Lauren was with her (I hadn't seen or talked to that girl for... A really long time!) so we talked and found seats I ended-up at the end of the row with John to my left and then Rae and then Lauren and then Caitlyn. Service started and Megan showed up and squeezed in somewhere... And so yaah that was entertaining after the singing there was the sermon and I ended up drawing on Johns hand cause... I wanted to? (Its actually easier for me to pay attention If IM DOING something rather than sitting there listening.) but anyways that ended and We all talked by the front for a while.. And I was being weird like always and Caitlyn, Megan and Lauren smelled John cause I said He smelled REALLY good... He did, they agreed and I don't think John Minded a bunch of girls smelling him anyways. haha. So I remembered (after parting with Lauren and Caitlyn) that I had to clean the garage all by myself today when I got home :((( So I, decided to complain (what a shocker) and John Offered to help me clean it up (cause he's sweet like that) and I said I'd love him too but I'd have to ask my mother (who may I add, had a hangover from her NYE party cause my moms a two beer queer hahaha) and So then he had to leave and he said he'd call later to see if he could come over and help. And So it was just Megan, Rae and I. And I had to get to my car before my mom got mad so they walked me to my car and I said good-bye to the both of them. And drove off to pick up my dad who was doing a church related obligation. So we get there and my cell rings and its John asking if He could help. So I ask my mom (at this point also-known-as: scary hangover lady. hehehe?) and she said no for some-such reason... So I told John that my mom was being S.H.L. and that we should meet later, and that I'd call him after I was done cleaning the party mess.
(((((OMG To be continued... Cause it is a really long story!!!)))))))

So I get home and start to clean the garage (which was REALLY scary in daylight!!!) and I figured out how tired I was... I was REALLY tired but I got over it. haha. So I cleans the garage, it took about 45 min.s ... Not too bad but boring! So Then I call John and ask him If he would meet me down at the park across the street from my house. He agreed. So I put on my new running outfit I got for Christmas and tell my mom I'm going running (yes that was a white lie... But COME ON!) so I take my Ipod and cell phone and make my way to the park to meet John (who at this point I really liked). He got there and We walked a little bit then my cell Phone rings... It was my mom asking if I was, in fact meeting John there (cause as you remember I had asked her If I could see if and she said no... She knows me TOO WELL and knows I don't respond to the word no I find my way around it) I of course said No I was not meeting him I was running and I said Connor (my little brother) was here with me, so she asked to talk to him... *sigh* so I call my brother and ask him to talk to mom and tell her He would check up on me and whatever. He said he would. So he called my mom and Connor called back asking me if I was meeting John, I had to tell him the truth or he would bug me the whole time so I said I was. He asked to talk to him... I let him...(earlier at my party John had said he didn't want him Xbox and ever sense then Connor had bugged him about it.) Connor bribed John saying he wouldn't tell if he gave him the Xbox. John said he would... (argggg) so everything was set. But I wasn't very happy about the xbox. But we ended up the trails and talking it was really nice, and so that lasted about 30 min.s then I sat down on some bench and we talked a bit more... But talk somehow turned into kissing (can I say one thing about that? He's a really good kisser! Drives me insane. haha) so then my cell rings again... (cue me throwing my cell in to the river!!! *sigh) I answered it and It was my dad (uh-oh) he asked me where I was I said I was almost at the bridge he said he would give me a ride home... I said I was gonna run back it was the whole point of running!! So he said ok... But I knew he would still wait in his car to see if I left alone... So I kissed John one more time and said I had to go... He complained... I laughed.. Kissed him again and got up and told him I had to, and told him he had to wait a while before he left. He said he'd walk a little while the other way then leave. So I hugged him and took off jogging (haha) and when I Jogged by the parking lot I saw my dads car (duh) and kept going then looked back and (as I knew he would be doing) he was still there. But after about a minute he started to drive back home. And that's how I made my great escape... For nothing (you'll find out later) ((((((to be continued cause my hands HURT!!!))))))

Senseless

2005-12-23T16:20:00.000-08:00

Dreams haunt me with THIS
cant get these things outta my head
wishing for a love I know I cant have
every breath I take is laced with pain
every mistake I make is another bullet to my heat

as I take the steps I'm making
I look back at my path and see my destruction
it pains me more than I thought it would
I want to cry out to make some sense of it all
but I know I can't, it won't help

a gun pointed at my head, a sword to my heart
yet they don't strike me with the killing blow I think I need
they stay there and taunt me with their power
So I keep on

Screaming, so outta control
everything always happens too fast for me to react
I wanna say it all, and have it have no meaning
but everything has its price, that must be payed
playing with my fire

give me your hand pull me out of my game
given my hand to so many, only to pull them down with me
But I can't keep, who I'll only condemn
And I can't keep playing my games of fire and destruction
maybe only because I've seen

a gun pointed at my head, a sword to my heart
yet they don't strike me with the killing blow I think I need
they stay there and taunt me with their power
So I keep on

(c) Bonnie B.

Me ME ME

2005-12-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

CAUSE IM STILL BROKEN

2005-12-02T14:31:00.000-08:00

THEY SAY EVERYTHING IS BLACK AND WHITE
BUT ALL I SEEM TO SEE IS GRAY
NOTHINGS RIGHT, IT'S ALL A MISTAKE
LIFE GETS HARDER, HEARTBEATS SLOWER

I KNOW I'M DOING IT ALL WRONG
PRETENDING I'M STILL STRONG
I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL
I REALLY JUST NEED TO HEAL

I KEEP BREAKING
CAUSE I'M NEVER REALLY FIXED
HEARTBEATS FAST CAN'T SEEM TO LEAVE IT ALL IN THE PAST
I KNOW I'M WRONG, I KNOW I'M HEADSTRONG
IT HURTS, O GOD IT HURTS...

'CAUSE I'M STILL BROKEN
DEEP DOWN INSIDE
EVERYONE MAKES ME MAD
EVERYTHING MAKES ME SAD
LIFE GETS HARDER WITH EVERY STEP I'M TAKING
DON'T KNOW THE MISTAKES I'M MAKING
CAUSE I'M STILL BROKEN
TAKING A BULLET TO THE HEART

I'M GONNA CLOSE MY EYES
WISH ALL MY PAIN AWAY
BUT I KNOW MY DEMONS WILL STAY
CAUSE I CAN'T SAY THEY'RE ARE WRONG

I'M PAST HELP, PAST KNOWING
PRETENDING MAY COST MORE THEN ITS WORTH
I'M TRYING, ON THIS LITTLE PLACE CALLED EARTH
BUT IT'S NOT GOING AWAY

I KEEP BREAKING
CAUSE I'M NEVER REALLY FIXED
HEARTBEATS FAST CAN'T SEEM TO LEAVE IT ALL IN THE PAST
I KNOW I'M WRONG, I KNOW I'M HEADSTRONG
IT HURTS, O GOD IT REALLY HURTS...

'CAUSE I'M STILL BROKEN
DEEP DOWN INSIDE
EVERYONE MAKES ME MAD
EVERYTHING MAKES ME SAD
LIFE GETS HARDER WITH EVERY STEP I'M TAKING
DON'T KNOW THE MISTAKES I'M MAKING
CAUSE I'M STILL BROKEN
TAKING A BULLET TO THE HEART

'CAUSE I'M STILL BROKEN
DEEP DOWN INSIDE
EVERYONE MAKES ME MAD
EVERYTHING MAKES ME SAD
CAUSE I'M STILL BROKEN
TAKING BULLETS TO THE HEART

(c) Bonnie B.

A Picture Of The Author... ME!

2005-11-10T16:40:00.000-08:00

The Twisted Thoughts Of Bonnie... Scary.

2005-11-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

(topic #1)
You know what's ironic? We ALL think that our life is the worst... But you know what? ALL our lives are the worst... For us... What one person could handle (however badly) another person would fail miserably at... But we don't need to focus on only the bad... Which is what most of us do... do you know why? Cause its that's the easy way out... To feel sorry for yourself and get depressed and screw yourself over... That's EASY... It hurts like he11 but its easy... the hard part is being as happy as you can be a messed up ,crazy world... Im not saying pretending your happy, when your not is ok... Cause that is NOT ok... It'll hurt you more then its worth, later... We have to somehow know that everything isn't ok but... Also be happy... And trust me it'll be HARD... But that's why life it worth it... the challenges and the glimpse of love, kindness, and happiness...

(topic #2)
you know those scary looking ppl who hang out at hot topic? And those skinny blonds that hang out at A and F? And those "sk8ters" with their pants down to their knees?
and those nerdy ppl who... Well hang out at home? They all act totally different, right? Wrong. Yes, the goths acted depressed and drugged up. The preps act dumb and overly happy. the sk8ters act dumb and dangerous. And the nerds act... Nerdy. But really most of that is just that an ACT. I know its not always like that but really most of it IS an act... Mm maybe a better way of explaining it would be to use myself... Okay when I started 7th grade I really was myself, acting the way I would anywhere... But in Jr. High I soon learned that, that didn't work... So I had to ACT a certain way to impress the group I wanted to hang with... And Most all of us do that... And after a while we conform ourselves...We forget who we were before we stared play ACTING... And then guess what... YOU ARE WHAT YOU PRETEND TO BE.... And you then lose all of your originality and you'll try to create some... Which works... I guess...

WILL SMITH THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!!!

2005-11-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

><<<<<<<<<<>< UpDaTe ><>>>>>>>>><

2005-11-07T18:53:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd post 'cause the last 3 or 4 posts were poems and... Yeah so I've been hanging out with Rae (like always heh) and There was Halloween and if you don't know I was a football player... And then there was my moms Birthday on the 4th of November and we went to Bridgeport Mall with my family. But I've basically been keeping to myself... I've been going to church on Thursdays now, which is kool. And I'm like a lil' annoyed with like ALL of my friends *grinz* not you of course... heh and I'm really excited for this weekend!! Its the Fall Retreat! And there's gonna be paint-balling so... I'm happy about that... Even though I suck at paint-balling... But I'll have fun *grin* and... I'm really hoping that I can get some major things off my chest this weekend... heh I kinda have a lot on my mind... And no its nothing I really wanna share *grin* but yeah... Um the only other interesting thing I can think of now is that I've noticed that like all but like 3 of my friends or My "friends" are guys... And I think that has something to do with the fact that I'm a total flirt and something to do with the fact of me not really getting along with girls.... I just don't... I always end-up getting attacked... *laughs to self* its funny...kinda heh but now I guess I have a girl issue and a my-guy-friends-dont-think-their-just-my-friend issue...
Maybe I'm socially exempt...

-------------------- All I Know --------------------

2005-11-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

Every time I try and hold back these tears
it seems that all that's left are my fears
this smile, stapled on hurts me
hurting me, like nothing else can, can't you see?

Pounding in my ears, flowing through my veins
Music, seems to drown out all of my hidden pains
But I can still hear it, the screaming that separates me
My head hurts, and still no one can see

Step back, look around
change is what I need
Re-shape what is me
But what will be the fee?

I have no Answers, No view
All I know is, my life is askew
There will be no surrender
Cause I'm no pretender
And I won't watch my world crumble
Just because I stumbled
I have no answers, No View
All I know is, this is an issue

afraid to close my eyes, to seep, to dream
It's another day lost another day forgotten
I'm on breakdown mode but I've put it on pause
My Life can't be so much of a lost cause

Too many lessons I've forgotten to learn
Every word you say to me seems to burn
My stomach is in knots, that never come undone
But this fight is far from done

Step back, look around
change is what I need
Re-shape what is me
But what will be the fee?

I have no Answers, No view
All I know is, my life is askew
There will be no surrender
Cause I'm no pretender
And I won't watch my world crumble
Just because I stumbled
I have no answers, No View
All I know is, this is an issue

Yeah I know I still have lots to lose, to learn
But I'm gonna close my eyes and hope
that maybe this crumpled up paper can be perfect again...

I have no Answers, No view
All I know is, my life is askew
There will be no surrender
Cause I'm no pretender
And I won't watch my world crumble
Just because I stumbled
I have no answers, No View
All I know is, this is an issue

This IS an Issue.

(c) Bonnie B.

.._.-._.-Mirror, Mirror-._.-._..

2005-10-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

None of these Thoughts are real
So why is it all So messed up
my mind is on a roll, it's not listening
my world keeps getting twisted
I have to

stop my mind working overtime
driving me insane with fear
It's becoming my worst enemy
One minute I am fine
The next I've lost my mind

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
getting all caught up in my own lies
my life is not a fairytale to make
hurting myself with every twist, every stake
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the fakest of the all

Insecurities keep on growing
Pain, Sadness and anger calling
Panic sets in
wanting to give in
To make this story worth reading

screaming to make the sound of pain fade
laughing to make it look all ok
You think I've got it
I'll write it in
lies upon lies

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
getting all caught up in my own lies
my life is not a fairytale to make
hurting myself with every twist, every stake
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the fakest of the all

Mirror mirror on the wall...

(c) Bonnie B.

.._.-._.-The breaking of a broken heart-._.-._..

2005-10-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

Why do I cry
cry to the heavens
thought I think no one hears
why dose it hurt
when the result would have been the same
The breaking of a broken heart
the tearing of the torn
every tear I cry
every word I scream
I cant seem to get away from it all
d@mmit you broke me
after taking what I gave you
now I'm left with contempt for myself
I'm left behind once again
The breaking of a broken heart
the tearing of the torn
mistakes made not once but twice
are like a vice
and it'll never let me go
never let be be what I was to be
The breaking of a broken heart
the tearing of the torn

(c) Bonnie B.

.._.-._Just_.-._..

2005-10-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

Thought I had it all figured out
or maybe I knew I didn't
So many things I wish I hadn't done
But all I could think of was the fun
I know

use me, leave me behind
abuse me, there's nothing left to find
another girl forgotten
another nothing left behind
I know

what do you do then
with trouble just around the bend
what's left to fight for
when your left crawling on the floor

Just another nothing
Just another Girl
Just leave me
Just leave me to die
Just cry
Just cry like you did before
Just pretend this isn't happening
Just Pretend you don't care
Just another nothing
Just another girl

I'm never gonna learn
that's none of your concern
d@mn him for treating me like...
what I really am
I know

Drown myself in music
Drown myself in pity
that will get me no where
done it before
I know

what do you do then
with trouble just around the bend
what's left to fight for
when your left crawling on the floor

Just another nothing
Just another Girl
Just leave me
Just leave me to die
Just cry
Just cry like you did before
Just pretend this isn't happening
Just Pretend you don't care
Just another nothing
Just another girl

I'll pretend like I've got it
I'll pretend I think I'm beautiful
I'll pretend like I'm not afraid
I'll pretend like I'm that girl
The girl I used to be before...

what do you do then
with trouble just around the bend
what's left to fight for
when your left crawling on the floor

Just another nothing
Just another Girl
Just leave me
Just leave me to die
Just cry
Just cry like you did before
Just pretend this isn't happening
Just Pretend you don't care
Just another nothing
Just another girl

Just Pretend.

(c) Bonnie B.

What I've been doing

2005-10-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

Ok. Well... I went to Rae's house and we hung out and watched movies all day/ morning *grinz* and then I went to church with her and after church I went to the mall with my family... Don't EVER do that... It doesn't work. But the thing that did work is that I got some new pants (wee) and so after the mall I went home and then my mom wanted me to go with her to get some yarn so that we could start knitting again (I feel so old) and then I started knitting my scarf... Then I was reading.... And I stayed up most of the night... Doing my bedtime ritual *sigh*... Then On Monday I was just lounging and whatever and then I went out (after making myself all purty *grin*) and went to the library. There I talked to a guy I knew from school, and yeah. Then I walked home and thought about stuff... Got home. Had a few phone calls. Had to get off cause my parents were hardcore fighting (wee *sarcastic*) and my mom told me to go find my dad... Who had taken off to go smoke (found that out later) and I didn't find him and my brother was being dumb... And my mom was... pfft who wants to know this... O well the night ended.. Finally and I did the same thing I did the night before and fell asleep eventually. And today's, today and I'm going to have to do today's and yesterdays work...Great... TTYL. LYL.

The All-Nighter

2005-10-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

The All-Nighter was sooooooo much fun.... kinda creepy at times but fun. Before the all nighter I was at Rae's House for a few hours and I had bought (for the All-Nighter) 3 energy drinks: 2 Amp's and one Sobe Adrenaline (their were no Balws at the Fred Myers I was at) and some candy. While at Rae's, we went and I bought more candy and A Bawls! *grinz* We also went and saw Elizabeth at Subways... hehe and she fed us! Then we went to the church for the ALL-Nighter and after checking in and stuff got on a bus and went to Safari Sam's (its an Arcade place that would be REALLY lame if it wasn't with my friends.), then after they told us the "Rules", we were let loose! Besides the video games there was a mini-Golf thing and a Jungle gym thing (that I got lost in TOO many times) they trurned off the lights and turned on the Black light so everything look REALLY cool. While I was "lisening" to the rules I was introduced to joshes (Josh AKA: creepy stalker of me and caitlyn from camp) friends ... something like brenden and Bobby or something (they were twins). And the 1st thing I think I did was play Air hockey with one of the two twins...But I donno which... They don't look alike, I'm just REALLY bad with names... But the point is... I won... Twice!!! *grins* after that was kinda hazy for me... Cause' I drank all 4 of my energy drinks in less then... Err 3 min? But anywho I know the basics... I got lost in the jungle gym thing like a million times, played some video games, bashed Gordon, "played' mini golf while attacking ppl with the glow-ee stuff I had bought at freddy's, and...and talking I guess... It was sooooo fun... Oooo and at around 2:00 a.m. the jungle gym thing turned into a "lovers nest" (*shudderz*) I stayed outta there after that! And at around 3:30 a.m. (-ish) we left on 2 separate busses one went back to church for something I really don't know what and the Other (the one I was on) went to the middle of no where for a game in the dark. The game was there were 4 teams and each team was to find glow sticks 2 of each color. And everyone had a sock filled with white prouder (to mark if you were out of not) it was... entertaining in the least! So after 2 games of that at around 5:30 a.m. we left and drove back to the church. There we hung out till I think 6:15-ish then they fed ppl (I didn't eat) and then we played some other dumb game... *mutters under breath* Red Buffer Robo bracelet... *shakes head* anyways... Then it was 7:00 am and time to go home.... Or in my case Back to Rae's house... Where I fell on to her bed and fell asleep instantly... hehe and slep till 1:00 p.m. and ate and fell back asleep and woke up again at 4:00 pm -ish and went back to sleep, then at 6:00 p.m. I was done sleeping so I woke Rae up and we did stuff... And yeah I'm done typing my hands hurt... LYL!

Mabye...

2005-09-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

Stuck with no where to go
stuck with nothing to show
don't know how I thought life would be
but its not what you see

gave it all away
don't think I'm gonna be okay
I'm looking for something
don't know what I'm so post to find

all I seem to do
everything they expect of me
I'm...

Hurting all I Touch
disappointing all I know
never good enough
never on the right side
All I can think of doing
is run and hide
shove another pill down your throat
kill yourself one more time
and maybe you'll stay dead

maybe...

everything is slipping
my heart is ripping
life just got harder
for me to harbor

alone, with no one to hear
hear as I lose my sanity with every tear
hear as I lose all I had held dear
nothing is clear anymore

all I seem to do
everything they expect of me
I'm...

Hurting all I Touch
disappointing all I know
never good enough
never on the right side
All I can think of doing
is run and hide
shove another pill down your throat
kill yourself one more time
and maybe you'll stay dead

maybe...You can't die

(c) Bonnie B.

Let me

2005-09-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

I cant be that lil' girl you want me to be
Can't be that lil' angel for every one to see
All I can do is be who I've always been
is that so much of a sin

Yeah, I'll laugh, I'll even cry
but there is more to life that you can't deny
My mistakes are, mine to deal with
why won't you just

Let me live my life
and be who I wanna be
let me make my mistakes
just like you got to make yours
let me live...

Let me live my life
and be who I wanna be
let me make my mistakes
just like you got to make yours
let me live...

Im Sick...

2005-09-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

I'm Sick... *sneeze* >.<

Just keep breathing

2005-09-20T00:22:00.000-07:00

Trying to ignore this pain
There's nothing but the rain
watching as my life gets more insane
misery rains down on me

feeling like someone's always watching
disapproving my every move
why won't anyone approve
approve of me

finding it harder...
Finding it harder to breathe

Just keep breathing
pretend that your alive
Just keep breathing
maybe you'll survive
Just keep on breathing

no one likes to be alone
totally and utterly alone
tell me if your there
tell me your more than just air

Trying to figure out this life
trying to figure out where I messed up
and when I became this girl
but now I'm...

finding it harder...
Finding it harder to breathe

Just keep breathing
pretend that your alive
Just keep breathing
maybe you'll survive
Just keep on breathing

Tell me you love me (breathe)
tell me like you mean it (breathe)
cause' I know too many liars (breath)
and I've been used too many times (breathe)

finding it harder...
Finding it harder to breathe

Just keep breathing
pretend that your alive
Just keep breathing
maybe you'll survive
Just keep on breathing

Breathe...

(c) Bonnie

To explain my last post...

2005-09-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

Um...Well yesterday I found out that my mom had read the Journal I had JUST started... There was only one entry but... The entry was.... Eventful... It didn't have much info... But it had just enough for her to know some things I didn't want her to know... The thing that made me so mad was that I had that hidden in my room... Meaning she was going though my room... (*growl*) and the fact that, THAT was the reason I stopped journaling a year ago, her reading it... *cough* excuse me her and my brother... Together. *sigh* O well... I really doesn't matter too much it could have been ALOT worse... (hee hee) But I'm still not very happy with her...

I'm really F@cking mad.

2005-09-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

mad mad mad mad mad mad...

NEGLECTED!!!

2005-09-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone's Neglecting me *cries in corner* (hee hee)

Bible Verses

2005-09-14T18:06:00.000-07:00

“If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me” (Matthew 10:39).

“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust. Follow anything that makes you want to do right. Pursue faith and love and peace, and enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts” (2 Timothy 2:22).

Keeps on saying

2005-09-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

As I catch bits and pieces of conversation
between my mom and dad
as they shout at each other
I understand we're in some trouble

My dad crashed and totaled his car
and in the process got two tickets
on top of the 3 he already has
he was having his License taken away already

my dad keeps saying that he's a screw-up, a moron
my mom keeps trying to stay calm
hearing talk of selling our cars
remembering how it used to be kinda like this
before my parents split...

I turn up my music to drown out the noise
they just get louder
my mom is crying
I just keep on pretending this isn't happening

I keep telling myself its all gonna be alright
but I can't seem to believe it
mom talks of quitting Motherwise
my dad wont let her, he knows she wanted that

My dad keeps on saying he's a screw up, a moron
My mom keeps trying to stay calm
hearing talk of us kids on our own
remembering how it used to be kinda like this
before my parents split...

the yelling stopped
replaced with a constant sobbing
and a slamming of a door
dads gone to cool off, while mom sits and cries

everything shuts down in me then
every thought, every emotion
I'm on auto-drive
I don't cry

My dad keeps on saying he's a screw up, a moron
My mom keeps on trying to stay calm
hearing the silence before the big storm
remembering how it used to be like this
before my parents split...

And after my life went bad...

(c) Bonnie B.

School Has finally caught up with me...

2005-09-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

*laughs* I started school yesterday *growls at school-ness* *grin* but its not THAT bad... But yeah Mmmmm.... I'm gonna ACTUALLY start working out like hardcore (*grinz*) at 24-hour Fitness and At Home when I can't get to the gym. Cause' I miss my fit bod *cracks up* ok maby not but still... Mostly Im gonna work on like leg work and my tummi...But not my arms I don't want to end-up with guy arms *shudder* its hot for them but baaaaaaad for me! hee hee but lets see if I can actually go though with this... I think I will though... But we'll see... mmm what else.... I'm going to start tennis in like a month or so.... So I get to ware those cute lil white skirts and polo's *rolls eyes* but I've played before it won't be too hard for me to get back into it... weeeeeee I be a tennis prep!!! heh but anyways... I also have some more voice lessons to go to... But I donno when... I WANT CHOIR TO START!!!!!! *pouts* *sigh* well I've got nothing else to say for the moment. LYL!

Look How special!!

2005-09-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

Tee hee hee I took that picture today along with some others that I posted on flicker, cause I was bored and hyper and Im home alone for most of today soooo.... PARTAY! *laughs* right then so I woke up a lil' before 8:00 today and went to bed a lil' after 2:00 .... WEEEEEEEEEEe..^.^ Mmmmmm I think I'll call rae bye bye!

9/11 Poem

2005-09-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on the day of September 11 as the planes we're crashing into our twin towers and I thought I would share it with you on its 4th Anniversary...

(FYI: some of it will make NO SCENCE because I was even worse with spelling/grammar then and I can't really read all of what I wrote...)

Twin Towers and America

Hussien had a heart of stone
trying to change America
that he did
red, white and blue waves swiftly
crashing planes and dying too
with dirty hearts and evil plans
though America still stands
strong and sturdy we are
but we must stay together
If we don't put our trust in God
we will surly be as successful as bin lodin
America knows that pain can be sudden or slow
for some there is no pain
but for those who are left behind
and others upset by the buildings
pain is there
but together we can come though
we can't let bin Lodin do what he came to do
Now bin Lodin hides in fear
this is disgraceful for a man who tampered with America
So quite, are you scared?
you who tampered with America?
evince yourself
stop being prudent
because time will catch you and trap you
President Bush O so strong
found the plan
now in war our men fight
We'll fight Hussien with his copies and his weapons
you will not stand

(c) Bonnie B. '01

Keeps on

2005-09-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

Since when have my emotions become so complicated
how did I get so weird and hated
when did my world change
what am I doing

I wanna laugh and have some fun
but it seems the crying has just begun
I wanna talk and be the same
but I'm who I became

my head keeps on spinning
I don't know what Im gonna do
if you cant be happy with me all new
I don't really know what to say
don't know what else I'll betray
My life keeps on turning

(STOP!)

just slowdown
don't wanna be a letdown
when is it gonna be okay
I don't know what to say

I have these emotions
there's nothing I can do
everything is strange
and everything did its change without me

my head keeps on spinning
I don't know what Im gonna do
if you cant be happy with me all new
I don't really know what to say
don't know what else I'll betray
My life keeps on Burning

changes, don't think I'll ever be the same
changes, can you take what I became
changes, life is full
changes, at least its not at all dull

my head keeps on spinning
I don't know what Im gonna do
if you cant be happy with me all new
I don't really know what to say
don't know what else I'll betray
My life keeps on and on and on

So, I'll keep on and on and on and on

(c) Bonnie Broderick

Retired

2005-09-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

I have officially retired Frisbee.
And I won't go to anymore games.
Because It has come to my attention
that Im a distraction.

~Bonnie~

This Isn't

2005-09-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

You left me
left me with myself
you left me
and I let you

~

I let you in
among all of my sin
I let you in
and now I need you

~

This isn't what I wanted
this isn't what it was so post to be
why dose it all have to be like this
why do I feel like sh!t
I have everything to lose

~

why can't you let me
be who I wanna be
why do I feel like
your not ok with me

~

I wish you could understand
but I know you never will
this is what I was always afraid of
cause' it hurts that you disapprove

~

This isn't what I wanted
this isn't what it was so post to be
why dose it all have to be like this
why do I feel like sh!t
I have everything to lose

~

and it hurts that you disapprove...

~

(c) Bonnie B.

don't wanna bring you down

2005-09-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

Im gonna stay here
here on my own
not gonna go with you
cause' I'll just bring you down

Im gonna cry
cry like the baby I am
Not gonna call you the phone
Cause' I'll just bring you down

I'm the issue
ok I'll be some other girl
I'm the problem
So I'll pretend like I don't care
I'm the issue
and I don't wanna bring you down

Im gonna change
change and become good enough
not gonna cry anymore
cause' I'll just bring you down

Im gonna be lost
lost and truly alone
not gonna tell you
cause' I'll just bring you down

I'm the issue
ok I'll be some other girl
I'm the problem
So I'll pretend like I don't care
I'm the issue
and I don't wanna bring you down

Im gonna give up
give up and be some other clone
not gonna scream
cause' I don't wanna bring you down

I'm the issue
ok I'll be some other girl
I'm the problem
So I'll pretend like I don't care
I'm the issue
and I don't wanna bring anyone down

(c) Bonnie B.

Tests... again grin

2005-09-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

You Are a Chick Rocker!

You're living proof that chicks can rock
You're inspired by Joan Jett and the Donnas
And when you rock, you rock hard
(Plus, you get all the cute guy groupies you want!)

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

You Are Somewhat Honest

You do tend to tell the truth a lot

But you also stretch the truth on occasion

You figure a little lie isn't a big deal

As long as it doesn't hurt anyone too much!

How Honest Are You?

You Will Die at Age 58

58

Not bad, considering your super wild lifestyle

Want to live longer? Try losing a few bad habits.

What Age Will You Die?

You Aren't In the Best Of Moods

While you aren't full on depressed, things aren't going your way.

You may be hurt, angry, frustrated... or all three.

Not to worry - you'll be feeling fine in no time.

What Mood Are You In?

You Are a Drama Princess (or Prince)

(You are more dramatic than 30% of the population.)

You're not over the top dramatic, but you have your moments.

You know how to steal the spotlight...

And how to act out to get your way.

People around you know that you're good for a laugh.

But at times, your drama gets a bit too much for everyone.

Tone it down a tad, and you'll still be the center of attention.

Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

You Are A Romantic Realist

You are more romantic than 50% of the population.

You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance.
Sure, you can fall hard... but only for someone you've gotten to know.
And once you're in love, you can be a total romantic goofball...
But you'd never admit it to your friends!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

You Are From Mercury

You are talkative, clever, and knowledgeable - and it shows.
You probably never leave home without your cell phone!
You're witty, expressive, and aware of everything going on around you.
You love learning, playing, and taking in all of what life has to offer.
Be careful not to talk your friends' ears off, and temper your need to know everything.

What Planet Are You From?

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

John is your soulmate.

You truly love Peter.

You consider Rachel your true friend.

You know that Alex is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Evan for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Caitlyn is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Jeremy is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Sara is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Sara changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think John is shy and nonconfrontational. And that John has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

More Test thingys

2005-09-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent.
You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored.
You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts.
And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

What Your Underwear Says About You

When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble!

You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

Your Band Name Is

The Queen of Convicts

Band Name Generator

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gorgeous Warrior.

Where You Lived: Ireland.

How You Died: Suicide.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.

You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Daddy Is Johnny Depp

What You Call Him: Daddy Dearest
Why You Love Him: You don't love him, you just love calling him "daddy"

Who's Your Daddy?

Overall, Your Observation Skills Get: D

You know that you remembered to put on underwear today...
But really, that's about it!

How Observant Are You?

TESTS!!

2005-09-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

You Are 21 Years Old

21

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 71% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing

Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more open with you.

With respect to money, you spend carefully and save your pennies.

You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be methodical in your ways - with trouble adapting to the rules of society.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match.

Who's the True You?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You May Be a Bit Borderline ...

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!

When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...

And when you're down, your whole world is crashing

Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

What Personality Disorder Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 60%

Sloth: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Pride: 20%

Greed: 0%

Lust: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 26%

You will die at the hands of a jealous lover. How ironic.

How Sinful Are You?

In 1990 (the year you were born)

George H.W. Bush is president of the US

Operation Desert Shield forces leave for Saudi Arabia to defend them following the invasion of Kuwait

Congress passes Americans with Disabilities Act

Nelson Mandela is released from a South African prison

East and West Germany are reunified

The first McDonald's opens in Moscow, Russia

Super Mario Brothers 3 is released on the Nintendo Entertainment System console, selling over 6 million copies

The Space Shuttle Discovery places the Hubble Space Telescope into orbit

Windows 3.0 is released by Microsoft

Cincinnati Reds win the World Series

San Francisco 49ers win Superbowl XXIV

Edmonton Oilers win the Stanley Cup

Home Alone is the top grossing film

Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton is published

"Vision of Love" by Mariah Carey spends the most time at the top of the US charts

Chris Farley and Adam Sandler join Saturday Night Live

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

Saturday night

2005-09-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

ok you have probibly heard a bit about saterday night by now, from poeple or Rae's blog post... *laughs* But Im going to pretend it dosen't exist sooooo it dosen't *grin*

My Brothers Brirthday

2005-09-05T15:08:00.000-07:00

It's my brothers Birthday today. I don't know what he's doing but I know its his Birthday....so yeah

Daddy and Mommy

2005-09-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

daddy stop drinking your life away
mommy stop crying in the dark

daddy stop yelling
Mommy stop screaming

daddy stop looking at me like it was the last time you were gonna see me
mommy stop pretending like you don't see this is hurting me

daddy stop acting like everything ok
mommy stop giving daddy those dirty looks

daddy stop calling mommy all those names
mommy stop being so hard on daddy

daddy stop acting like you know me
mommy stop lying to me, when you know I see

daddy stop leaving and "going to the store"
mommy stop yelling at me

daddy I know your scared
mommy I know you are too

daddy keep on praying
mommy keep on telling him you love him

daddy let God take some of that pressure
mommy please help daddy

Daddy, Mommy, I Love you.

(c) Bonnie B.

Spinning. Turning.

2005-09-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

Endless thoughts
thickening plots
I'm going nowhere
can't bear this despair

fleeting memories
I've lost it all
why can't I think straight
What is to be my fate

My head is spinning
My world is turning
Somthings changing
crawing cause' I can't stand
crying cause' I can

summers gone winters coming
to bring me back my sleeping pain
summers gone, and it took with it
all thats left of me

people call me beautiful
but if they could only see
the beauty they see is hard
Cold and hard

My head is spinning
My world is turning
Somthings changing
crawing cause' I can't stand
crying cause' I can

days go by, nightmares come
someone tell me what are my symptoms
I'll just wait here in the dark
and let life make another mark

My head is spinning
My world is turning
Somthings changing
crawing cause' I can't stand
crying cause' I have to

(c) Bonnie B.

Dancing in the Rain

2005-09-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

Becoming nothing
when I was so-post to be everything
how the H3ll did I end up like this
broken dreams,I'll just blow that kiss

lost to the point of insanity
but I keep that smile on my pretty face
and show em' all I don't give a care
I'll show em' all that

I've Lost it
laughing in my pain
I've Lost it
dancing in the rain
I've lost it
but I'll tell you that Im sane

tears run down my face
leaving that lil' trace
Of what Im really feeling
though you won't ever know

trying to be something more
but I keep having to ignore
that Im losing more then I gain
my life is going down the drain

I've Lost it
laughing in my pain
I've Lost it
dancing in the rain
I've lost it
but I'll tell you that Im sane

lost all feeling I have inside
waiting for this numbness to subside
ask me if Im ok, ask me if I'm happy
I'll give you an answer but I lie

forgot how to laugh like I mean it
forgot everything that used to be me
forgot myself in the someone I was trying to be
so why can't I forget how much I hate me

I've Lost it
pretending It's ok
I've Lost it
rembering that I lied
I've lost it

I've Lost it
laughing in my pain
I've Lost it
dancing in the rain
I've lost it
but I'll tell you that Im sane
I've lost myself in the rain

(c) Bonnie B. (AKA: Jezzibel)

Words

2005-08-31T18:44:00.000-07:00

Ok My theory on words is that all words were made up, yes? Yeah. So shouldn't we keep on making words? Why did we stop? Or why do we leave it for "the professionals"? I think if you think 'funner' is a word, its a word. Who decided it wasn't? Do I know or respect them? Most likely not. I like making up words it's fun! Why shouldn't I spice up normal everyday speech? Yeah, I could do that with already invented words but what's the fun in that? Its funner to make it up! *grin* so yeah...Im done

New Stuff!!!

2005-08-31T16:44:00.000-07:00

Ok...I was thinking of deleting this blog but for now I think I'll keep it...For now. Anyways I got my laptop back today so thats happy... and guess what?! I don't start school till the 15 or 16 of September!!! *grinz* but yeah I wanna say HAPPY BRITHDAY to Rachel 'cause she FINALLY truned 15 (Just messin with you Rae) and I've got good news...I just saved...I mean *grin*... the good news is that I don't have to go to a dumb highschool like I thought *releved sigh* annnnnd... yeah more later

What I Am

2005-08-31T16:40:00.000-07:00

Breaking mistakes
that's all it takes
to introduce a whole new game
And I can't say anything will be the same

can't seem to find the breaks
I know it's there but with what stakes
I wanna laugh, I need to cry
I know I like this but I can't deny

Slut in the making
that's what I am
barely a Virgin
but who gives a D@MN
not me

something to start it all
someone started this downfall
this feels so good
I don't know if it should

Wrong choices
someone bring me my vodka
need it to take this pain away
at least for today

Slut in the making
that's what I am
barely a Virgin
but who gives a D@MN
not me

How It All Began
how it's all gonna end
I had a plan
lost it, watched it blend

Why can't I Stop
'cause this is too much fun
why can't I just disappear
everything is so unclear

Slut in the making
that's what I am
barely a Virgin
but who gives a D@MN
Me...I give a D@MN

(c) Jezzibell

WARNING

2005-08-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

WARNING: THIS BLOG MAY BE DELETED
IN NEAR FUTURE FOR LACK OF WRITING.

I <3 YOU!!

My "MySpace"

2005-08-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

www.myspace.com/lovemeeifyoudare

Updating

2005-08-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

theres nothing to say......

MEE

2005-08-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

HI!

2005-08-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

I really don't have much to say but I just wanted to say hello, so here a am....

HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI!

Heaven took command

2005-08-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

He made it happen
or we never would have made it so far
Placed this into our hands
even though he knew
it was gonna be bizarre
Heaven took command

Sent from up above
Thats what this has gotta be
Sent from up above
Feels so right and so wrong
but nothing in this world
feels all right

I can't imagine
Looking in someone else's eyes
It's hard to think
Reaching for someone else's hand
You know what Im thinkin'
Heaven had a plan

Sent from up above
Thats what this has gotta be
Sent from up above
Feels so right and so wrong
but nothing in this world
feels all right

Love was created there
and thats where its from
this wasn't my plan and it wasn't yours
and heavens never wrong

Sent from up above
Thats what this has gotta be
Sent from up above
Feels so right and so wrong
but nothing in this world
feels all right

(c) Bonnie B.

Im Back

2005-08-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

Im back from Hawaii.....

*

*

*

Your Bonnie

2005-08-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

Left early this morning
To go to those blue, blue seas
Left early this morning
now I lay Over that ocean he spoke of

Your Bonnie My lie over the ocean
Your Bonnie May lie over the sea
Your Bonnie May Lie over the ocean
But This Bonnie will come back you see

As I Rose above the clouds
I was wondering
If Heaven looked anything like this
It was Bright and Beautiful, I wish you were there

Im gone, Your still there
Im there, your still gone
And when were both home
We might as well be an Ocean apart

Your Bonnie My lie over the ocean
Your Bonnie May lie over the sea
Your Bonnie May Lie over the ocean
But This Bonnie will come back you see

(c) Bonnie B.

Just the thought

2005-08-10T00:55:00.000-07:00

This little piece of heaven
tastes a lil' bitter
But who likes it when its all too sweet

this little piece of heaven
Is truly all I want
even though I haven't seen him in a while

Just the thought that he's thinking of me
Makes me feel like Im worth it
I Love him, Don't know if I could ever prove how much

starting to wonder if this fight is worth while
for you...I know you say it is
But all I seem to be doing is taking

I wish there was something more for me to give
All I have is my Love and friendship
And the only person I've said "I Love you" to...

Just the thought that he's thinking of me
Makes me feel like Im worth it
I Love him, Don't know if I could ever prove how much

(c) Bonnie B.

[ Bonnie ]

I'm Moving To California

Update

Happy New Years.

mmmm... CraZy?

sweet 16

Don't

Don't click Here.

Built up Frustrations

Blah.

My Birthday...

I'm A Princess...

New Layout... YAY!

Pleasure < Pain

Vacation Photo

Vacation Photo

Vacation Photo

Vacation Photo

back from vacation

Updating a little

A Thousand Miles Lyrics

I may break

Busy?

Just so everyone knows this is my Brothers Gf....

Don't Understand

just ONE thing

Update on the Life of Bonnie....

Details disappear

Never

Don't tell it's not mean --- tainted

Part One of My trip

Gone

Details on Biloxi Missions trip

Yours Truly

You Know

Biloxi, Mississippi Missions Trip

Frisbee in 5 inches of mud....

Feel

Quoting Myself how Ironic...

Yesterday....

How Compatible are You with me?

Modeling...

>New Points< Im gonna keep adding more until its done so if you like my life story keep checking in and comment (plez) if not then ignore it :(

Senseless

Me ME ME

CAUSE IM STILL BROKEN

A Picture Of The Author... ME!

The Twisted Thoughts Of Bonnie... Scary.

WILL SMITH THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!!!

><<<<<<<<<<>< UpDaTe ><>>>>>>>>><

*--------------------* All I Know *--------------------*

*.._.-._.-Mirror, Mirror-._.-._..*

*.._.-._.-The breaking of a broken heart-._.-._..*

.._.-._Just_.-._..

What I've been doing

The All-Nighter

Mabye...

Let me

Im Sick...

Just keep breathing

To explain my last post...

I'm really F@cking mad.

NEGLECTED!!!

Bible Verses

Keeps on saying

School Has finally caught up with me...

Look How special!!

9/11 Poem

Keeps on

Retired

This Isn't

don't wanna bring you down

Tests... again *grin*

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

More Test thingys

TESTS!!

The True You

The Keys to Your Heart

Your Deadly Sins

Saturday night

-------------------- All I Know --------------------

.._.-._.-Mirror, Mirror-._.-._..

.._.-._.-The breaking of a broken heart-._.-._..

Tests... again grin