Quoting Myself how Ironic...
"Don't Mind Me... I have a morbid view of myself... And have a hard time believing that people stick up for me or believe in me...." Quoting myself how Ironic... I want to explain why I said that... Not really to you... But to myself....
I say this because.... *sigh* before I write all this I want you to understand I DON'T feel sorry for myself... It may seem like that... But its not the case... I do at times feel sorry for myself... But really who doesn't? So Please Just... Don't.
I said that because as a child I always was the trouble maker... The kid no one wanted to babysitt, or have in their class... I was just never the kid my parents wanted me to be.... I always had bad grades and report cards... Saying things like "disruptive" "doesn't stay on her chair" "needs improvement"... They thought I had ADD for the longest time... I got tested... Who knows how many times... They still couldn't tell... So they put me on a drug to see if it had any positive affects on me... It didn't... I couldn't eat... Had a even harder time sleeping then usual... My stomach always hurt... I started to always have my arm wrapped around my middle to comfort myself... To this day I use it to comfort myself... They eventually took me off... Slowly... After that ... It was the begging of 6th grade... My mom took me out of the school I was in and put me into a advanced private Christian school... They had me take a test to place me in a grade that "suited" me... They said I wouldn't be able to go into the 6th grade class... I wasn't smart enough... That day I know I failed my parents in some major way... I cried and threw a fit... Which is was what I always did... And they said I could give 6th grade a chance... I tried as hard as I could to stay in that class... But they ended up taking me out of the 6th grade class... And put me in a 5th grade class... I tried to stay away from all the people that would recongnise me in the 6th grade class... But soon the whole school knew I was "put back" not smart enough... Not normal... That began my 3 years at the school from he11... I didn't have any friends for the longest time... But it was a Christian school and the teacher had someone befriend me... Humiliating... So the 2nd year I had mainly had 2 friends Cassie and Jordan... Cassie was an over bearing bossy brat... a single child... Jordan was just different, she loved horses... Was obsessed... I still wasn't making the cut... Still getting bad grades, bad report cards... I was a freak, someone to laugh at... The girl who got put back... I'd go to the bathroom sometimes and just cry... cry cause I let my parents down... Cry cause I let Myself down.... Cried cause I hated how I heard whispers every time I saw someone form my short-lived 6th grade class.... They wouldn't let me forget it... My mom was paying good money for this school and I was flunking... After 3 years she took me out... And I was once again introduced back into the public school by my house... Jr. High...7th and 8th... I thought I'd finally get away from the whispering and the stares and have a new start... I was wrong... My first day of school I found out to my horror that I knew allot of the kids from the 8th grade year... My old class mates.... I tried to Ignore it... The stares I was getting the whispers... Pretended I was imagining it... But they wouldn't let me either... a girl walks up to me... Sara... a gorgeous, popular girl and says "your Bonnie right? You were in my class, why are you in 7th grade?" she was mocking me... I almost broke down and cried right there... But I put on a brave face and said that I went to am advanced private school and that I was placed in a lower grade... So she says " you mean put-back, right?" I nod... Not knowing what to say... Not able to say anything else with out crying... She laughs and walks off whispering to her blonde companion... From them on I knew I was NEVER going to be known as anything else but "the-girl-that-got-put-back"... And I would have been right... I tried to get into the 7th grade "popular" group... But they were just waiting for me to mess up I did... I always do... The one thing I couldn't handle was the lunch room... I was afaid of the lunch room... Really I was terrified... It sounds funny... Don't you think?... But its true... So allot of the time I would go to the bathroom and eat my lunch in a stall... It sounds like something out of a movie right?... Well I did... And as I had for so long I just sat and cried in the bathroom... Because I'd never get away from it all... Because I let down myself... My parents... I was sick of it all... I was sick of being scared... Of letting them label me... So after I couldn't get into the "popular group" the only other choices I had were the nerds or the goths.... I hated the nerd group... They all annoyed me.... The goths... They were... My way out of the label "the-girl-who-got-put-back"... So I started to hang with them and got into things I wish I hadn't but I was SO sick of this... Of life... I started cutting myself... It was.... It was like a physical pain made my emotional pain seem less... I don't know... I was still flunking... But I didn't care anymore... But truly I did.... But I could at least pretend I didn't now... My report cards always had red ink telling my parents... I wasn't participating... My parents would yell at me... At each other... It was tarring me up... I cut myself more and more as the year progressed... Kept getting into things I couldn't have... One day I forgot to cover up my badly cut-up arm from my mom... She saw it... And the look she gave me... I had yet again let her down in a major way... I don't really know what she said or what happened... I know my parents talked to me... But I don't know if I really heard... They took me to a psychologist... I had been to one before but not for something like this... I don't really remember that either but... I ended up on prozact... a depression drug... I slowly made my dosage to a little more that 50mg... That's about as much as a average male would take... And I guess it helped... a little... But I still was in the Goth group... In the last months of my 7th grade year I was dressing normally and acting like a average mad public schooler... Still flunking... At the end of 7th grade year my mom told me I wasn't going to go here next year... I wasn't really surprised... I was surprised when she said she was homeschooling me... But at that point... I would have agreed to almost anything.... Just as long as I didn't have to go to that school anymore... On a slight tangent... During 7th grade... In the middle of it when all this stuff was going down... The one place I felt... Well safe.. Was church... The ONLY place I was happy... I had a big group of "friends" .... It was a weird set up... But it all fell apart at the seams... I had 2 close friends out of the group Meg and Rae... And I found out Meg didn't think to highly of me... At all... It was... Too much... I found out though Rae because Meg was telling all my friends what she really thought about me... And Rae was the only person who cared enough about me to tell me what was going on... The only one who told me what was being said about me... You know what I did... I went to the girls bathroom... And you guessed it I cried... And cried... And cried.... My whole world was coming down around me... Rae, because she stuck up for me, went down with my ship... The group disowned us... Meg kept trying to apologize... But I have a stubborn pride... And I couldn't be friends with someone who thought so lowly of me... The reality of it is that When No One else believed in me, when no One else stuck up for me... Rae did... And if she hadn't... I wouldn't Be alive today... I know that sounds dramatic... But ... It's true... I would have ki11ed myself... I was sick of it all.... And losing my friends... Would have been the thing to but me off the edge... I want you to grip the reality of this... Just because ONE person believed in me and helped me I'm still ALIVE... Rae saved my life... One person.... One choice changed the course of my life.... ONE choice YOU make can make a difference in their life...... Don't say I'm being dramatic and that really I would have made it... Or one thing you do won't change anything... Because it just ISN't true.... So a combo. Of My friendship with Rae and being homeschooled got me off prozact and I started to finally be something.... I've been home-schooling for about 2 years now and I'm finally getting good grades... I'm finally seeing that there's MORE to me... That I AM beautiful... Cause I never believed it... Rae Is My best friend... I think she always will be... And I'm so happy that God Gave me her...
***NOTE: As this is all in the past, I have forgiven Meg for any pain she has caused me, and we have moved on.***
I say this because.... *sigh* before I write all this I want you to understand I DON'T feel sorry for myself... It may seem like that... But its not the case... I do at times feel sorry for myself... But really who doesn't? So Please Just... Don't.
I said that because as a child I always was the trouble maker... The kid no one wanted to babysitt, or have in their class... I was just never the kid my parents wanted me to be.... I always had bad grades and report cards... Saying things like "disruptive" "doesn't stay on her chair" "needs improvement"... They thought I had ADD for the longest time... I got tested... Who knows how many times... They still couldn't tell... So they put me on a drug to see if it had any positive affects on me... It didn't... I couldn't eat... Had a even harder time sleeping then usual... My stomach always hurt... I started to always have my arm wrapped around my middle to comfort myself... To this day I use it to comfort myself... They eventually took me off... Slowly... After that ... It was the begging of 6th grade... My mom took me out of the school I was in and put me into a advanced private Christian school... They had me take a test to place me in a grade that "suited" me... They said I wouldn't be able to go into the 6th grade class... I wasn't smart enough... That day I know I failed my parents in some major way... I cried and threw a fit... Which is was what I always did... And they said I could give 6th grade a chance... I tried as hard as I could to stay in that class... But they ended up taking me out of the 6th grade class... And put me in a 5th grade class... I tried to stay away from all the people that would recongnise me in the 6th grade class... But soon the whole school knew I was "put back" not smart enough... Not normal... That began my 3 years at the school from he11... I didn't have any friends for the longest time... But it was a Christian school and the teacher had someone befriend me... Humiliating... So the 2nd year I had mainly had 2 friends Cassie and Jordan... Cassie was an over bearing bossy brat... a single child... Jordan was just different, she loved horses... Was obsessed... I still wasn't making the cut... Still getting bad grades, bad report cards... I was a freak, someone to laugh at... The girl who got put back... I'd go to the bathroom sometimes and just cry... cry cause I let my parents down... Cry cause I let Myself down.... Cried cause I hated how I heard whispers every time I saw someone form my short-lived 6th grade class.... They wouldn't let me forget it... My mom was paying good money for this school and I was flunking... After 3 years she took me out... And I was once again introduced back into the public school by my house... Jr. High...7th and 8th... I thought I'd finally get away from the whispering and the stares and have a new start... I was wrong... My first day of school I found out to my horror that I knew allot of the kids from the 8th grade year... My old class mates.... I tried to Ignore it... The stares I was getting the whispers... Pretended I was imagining it... But they wouldn't let me either... a girl walks up to me... Sara... a gorgeous, popular girl and says "your Bonnie right? You were in my class, why are you in 7th grade?" she was mocking me... I almost broke down and cried right there... But I put on a brave face and said that I went to am advanced private school and that I was placed in a lower grade... So she says " you mean put-back, right?" I nod... Not knowing what to say... Not able to say anything else with out crying... She laughs and walks off whispering to her blonde companion... From them on I knew I was NEVER going to be known as anything else but "the-girl-that-got-put-back"... And I would have been right... I tried to get into the 7th grade "popular" group... But they were just waiting for me to mess up I did... I always do... The one thing I couldn't handle was the lunch room... I was afaid of the lunch room... Really I was terrified... It sounds funny... Don't you think?... But its true... So allot of the time I would go to the bathroom and eat my lunch in a stall... It sounds like something out of a movie right?... Well I did... And as I had for so long I just sat and cried in the bathroom... Because I'd never get away from it all... Because I let down myself... My parents... I was sick of it all... I was sick of being scared... Of letting them label me... So after I couldn't get into the "popular group" the only other choices I had were the nerds or the goths.... I hated the nerd group... They all annoyed me.... The goths... They were... My way out of the label "the-girl-who-got-put-back"... So I started to hang with them and got into things I wish I hadn't but I was SO sick of this... Of life... I started cutting myself... It was.... It was like a physical pain made my emotional pain seem less... I don't know... I was still flunking... But I didn't care anymore... But truly I did.... But I could at least pretend I didn't now... My report cards always had red ink telling my parents... I wasn't participating... My parents would yell at me... At each other... It was tarring me up... I cut myself more and more as the year progressed... Kept getting into things I couldn't have... One day I forgot to cover up my badly cut-up arm from my mom... She saw it... And the look she gave me... I had yet again let her down in a major way... I don't really know what she said or what happened... I know my parents talked to me... But I don't know if I really heard... They took me to a psychologist... I had been to one before but not for something like this... I don't really remember that either but... I ended up on prozact... a depression drug... I slowly made my dosage to a little more that 50mg... That's about as much as a average male would take... And I guess it helped... a little... But I still was in the Goth group... In the last months of my 7th grade year I was dressing normally and acting like a average mad public schooler... Still flunking... At the end of 7th grade year my mom told me I wasn't going to go here next year... I wasn't really surprised... I was surprised when she said she was homeschooling me... But at that point... I would have agreed to almost anything.... Just as long as I didn't have to go to that school anymore... On a slight tangent... During 7th grade... In the middle of it when all this stuff was going down... The one place I felt... Well safe.. Was church... The ONLY place I was happy... I had a big group of "friends" .... It was a weird set up... But it all fell apart at the seams... I had 2 close friends out of the group Meg and Rae... And I found out Meg didn't think to highly of me... At all... It was... Too much... I found out though Rae because Meg was telling all my friends what she really thought about me... And Rae was the only person who cared enough about me to tell me what was going on... The only one who told me what was being said about me... You know what I did... I went to the girls bathroom... And you guessed it I cried... And cried... And cried.... My whole world was coming down around me... Rae, because she stuck up for me, went down with my ship... The group disowned us... Meg kept trying to apologize... But I have a stubborn pride... And I couldn't be friends with someone who thought so lowly of me... The reality of it is that When No One else believed in me, when no One else stuck up for me... Rae did... And if she hadn't... I wouldn't Be alive today... I know that sounds dramatic... But ... It's true... I would have ki11ed myself... I was sick of it all.... And losing my friends... Would have been the thing to but me off the edge... I want you to grip the reality of this... Just because ONE person believed in me and helped me I'm still ALIVE... Rae saved my life... One person.... One choice changed the course of my life.... ONE choice YOU make can make a difference in their life...... Don't say I'm being dramatic and that really I would have made it... Or one thing you do won't change anything... Because it just ISN't true.... So a combo. Of My friendship with Rae and being homeschooled got me off prozact and I started to finally be something.... I've been home-schooling for about 2 years now and I'm finally getting good grades... I'm finally seeing that there's MORE to me... That I AM beautiful... Cause I never believed it... Rae Is My best friend... I think she always will be... And I'm so happy that God Gave me her...
***NOTE: As this is all in the past, I have forgiven Meg for any pain she has caused me, and we have moved on.***
posted by Bonnie at
3:28 PM
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