Mabye...

Stuck with no where to go
stuck with nothing to show
don't know how I thought life would be
but its not what you see

gave it all away
don't think I'm gonna be okay
I'm looking for something
don't know what I'm so post to find

all I seem to do
everything they expect of me
I'm...

Hurting all I Touch
disappointing all I know
never good enough
never on the right side
All I can think of doing
is run and hide
shove another pill down your throat
kill yourself one more time
and maybe you'll stay dead

maybe...

everything is slipping
my heart is ripping
life just got harder
for me to harbor

alone, with no one to hear
hear as I lose my sanity with every tear
hear as I lose all I had held dear
nothing is clear anymore

all I seem to do
everything they expect of me
I'm...

Hurting all I Touch
disappointing all I know
never good enough
never on the right side
All I can think of doing
is run and hide
shove another pill down your throat
kill yourself one more time
and maybe you'll stay dead

maybe...You can't die







(c) Bonnie B.

Let me

I cant be that lil' girl you want me to be
Can't be that lil' angel for every one to see
All I can do is be who I've always been
is that so much of a sin

Yeah, I'll laugh, I'll even cry
but there is more to life that you can't deny
My mistakes are, mine to deal with
why won't you just

Let me live my life
and be who I wanna be
let me make my mistakes
just like you got to make yours
let me live...


Let me live my life
and be who I wanna be
let me make my mistakes
just like you got to make yours
let me live...

Im Sick...

I'm Sick... *sneeze* >.<

Just keep breathing

Trying to ignore this pain
There's nothing but the rain
watching as my life gets more insane
misery rains down on me

feeling like someone's always watching
disapproving my every move
why won't anyone approve
approve of me

finding it harder...
Finding it harder to breathe

Just keep breathing
pretend that your alive
Just keep breathing
maybe you'll survive
Just keep on breathing

no one likes to be alone
totally and utterly alone
tell me if your there
tell me your more than just air

Trying to figure out this life
trying to figure out where I messed up
and when I became this girl
but now I'm...

finding it harder...
Finding it harder to breathe

Just keep breathing
pretend that your alive
Just keep breathing
maybe you'll survive
Just keep on breathing

Tell me you love me (breathe)
tell me like you mean it (breathe)
cause' I know too many liars (breath)
and I've been used too many times (breathe)

finding it harder...
Finding it harder to breathe

Just keep breathing
pretend that your alive
Just keep breathing
maybe you'll survive
Just keep on breathing

Breathe...




(c) Bonnie

To explain my last post...

Um...Well yesterday I found out that my mom had read the Journal I had JUST started... There was only one entry but... The entry was.... Eventful... It didn't have much info... But it had just enough for her to know some things I didn't want her to know... The thing that made me so mad was that I had that hidden in my room... Meaning she was going though my room... (*growl*) and the fact that, THAT was the reason I stopped journaling a year ago, her reading it... *cough* excuse me her and my brother... Together. *sigh* O well... I really doesn't matter too much it could have been ALOT worse... (hee hee) But I'm still not very happy with her...

I'm really F@cking mad.

mad mad mad mad mad mad...

NEGLECTED!!!

Everyone's Neglecting me *cries in corner* (hee hee)

Bible Verses

“If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me” (Matthew 10:39).

“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust. Follow anything that makes you want to do right. Pursue faith and love and peace, and enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts” (2 Timothy 2:22).

Keeps on saying

As I catch bits and pieces of conversation
between my mom and dad
as they shout at each other
I understand we're in some trouble

My dad crashed and totaled his car
and in the process got two tickets
on top of the 3 he already has
he was having his License taken away already

my dad keeps saying that he's a screw-up, a moron
my mom keeps trying to stay calm
hearing talk of selling our cars
remembering how it used to be kinda like this
before my parents split...

I turn up my music to drown out the noise
they just get louder
my mom is crying
I just keep on pretending this isn't happening

I keep telling myself its all gonna be alright
but I can't seem to believe it
mom talks of quitting Motherwise
my dad wont let her, he knows she wanted that

My dad keeps on saying he's a screw up, a moron
My mom keeps trying to stay calm
hearing talk of us kids on our own
remembering how it used to be kinda like this
before my parents split...

the yelling stopped
replaced with a constant sobbing
and a slamming of a door
dads gone to cool off, while mom sits and cries

everything shuts down in me then
every thought, every emotion
I'm on auto-drive
I don't cry

My dad keeps on saying he's a screw up, a moron
My mom keeps on trying to stay calm
hearing the silence before the big storm
remembering how it used to be like this
before my parents split...

And after my life went bad...





(c) Bonnie B.

School Has finally caught up with me...

*laughs* I started school yesterday *growls at school-ness* *grin* but its not THAT bad... But yeah Mmmmm.... I'm gonna ACTUALLY start working out like hardcore (*grinz*) at 24-hour Fitness and At Home when I can't get to the gym. Cause' I miss my fit bod *cracks up* ok maby not but still... Mostly Im gonna work on like leg work and my tummi...But not my arms I don't want to end-up with guy arms *shudder* its hot for them but baaaaaaad for me! hee hee but lets see if I can actually go though with this... I think I will though... But we'll see... mmm what else.... I'm going to start tennis in like a month or so.... So I get to ware those cute lil white skirts and polo's *rolls eyes* but I've played before it won't be too hard for me to get back into it... weeeeeee I be a tennis prep!!! heh but anyways... I also have some more voice lessons to go to... But I donno when... I WANT CHOIR TO START!!!!!! *pouts* *sigh* well I've got nothing else to say for the moment. LYL!

Look How special!!

Tee hee hee I took that picture today along with some others that I posted on flicker, cause I was bored and hyper and Im home alone for most of today soooo.... PARTAY! *laughs* right then so I woke up a lil' before 8:00 today and went to bed a lil' after 2:00 .... WEEEEEEEEEEe..^.^ Mmmmmm I think I'll call rae bye bye!

9/11 Poem

I wrote this on the day of September 11 as the planes we're crashing into our twin towers and I thought I would share it with you on its 4th Anniversary...

(FYI: some of it will make NO SCENCE because I was even worse with spelling/grammar then and I can't really read all of what I wrote...)



Twin Towers and America

Hussien had a heart of stone
trying to change America
that he did
red, white and blue waves swiftly
crashing planes and dying too
with dirty hearts and evil plans
though America still stands
strong and sturdy we are
but we must stay together
If we don't put our trust in God
we will surly be as successful as bin lodin
America knows that pain can be sudden or slow
for some there is no pain
but for those who are left behind
and others upset by the buildings
pain is there
but together we can come though
we can't let bin Lodin do what he came to do
Now bin Lodin hides in fear
this is disgraceful for a man who tampered with America
So quite, are you scared?
you who tampered with America?
evince yourself
stop being prudent
because time will catch you and trap you
President Bush O so strong
found the plan
now in war our men fight
We'll fight Hussien with his copies and his weapons
you will not stand




(c) Bonnie B. '01

Keeps on

Since when have my emotions become so complicated
how did I get so weird and hated
when did my world change
what am I doing

I wanna laugh and have some fun
but it seems the crying has just begun
I wanna talk and be the same
but I'm who I became

my head keeps on spinning
I don't know what Im gonna do
if you cant be happy with me all new
I don't really know what to say
don't know what else I'll betray
My life keeps on turning

(STOP!)

just slowdown
don't wanna be a letdown
when is it gonna be okay
I don't know what to say

I have these emotions
there's nothing I can do
everything is strange
and everything did its change without me

my head keeps on spinning
I don't know what Im gonna do
if you cant be happy with me all new
I don't really know what to say
don't know what else I'll betray
My life keeps on Burning

changes, don't think I'll ever be the same
changes, can you take what I became
changes, life is full
changes, at least its not at all dull

my head keeps on spinning
I don't know what Im gonna do
if you cant be happy with me all new
I don't really know what to say
don't know what else I'll betray
My life keeps on and on and on

So, I'll keep on and on and on and on






(c) Bonnie Broderick

Retired

I have officially retired Frisbee.
And I won't go to anymore games.
Because It has come to my attention
that Im a distraction.

~Bonnie~

This Isn't

You left me
left me with myself
you left me
and I let you

~

I let you in
among all of my sin
I let you in
and now I need you

~

This isn't what I wanted
this isn't what it was so post to be
why dose it all have to be like this
why do I feel like sh!t
I have everything to lose

~

why can't you let me
be who I wanna be
why do I feel like
your not ok with me

~

I wish you could understand
but I know you never will
this is what I was always afraid of
cause' it hurts that you disapprove

~

This isn't what I wanted
this isn't what it was so post to be
why dose it all have to be like this
why do I feel like sh!t
I have everything to lose

~

and it hurts that you disapprove...

~


(c) Bonnie B.

don't wanna bring you down

Im gonna stay here
here on my own
not gonna go with you
cause' I'll just bring you down

Im gonna cry
cry like the baby I am
Not gonna call you the phone
Cause' I'll just bring you down

I'm the issue
ok I'll be some other girl
I'm the problem
So I'll pretend like I don't care
I'm the issue
and I don't wanna bring you down

Im gonna change
change and become good enough
not gonna cry anymore
cause' I'll just bring you down

Im gonna be lost
lost and truly alone
not gonna tell you
cause' I'll just bring you down

I'm the issue
ok I'll be some other girl
I'm the problem
So I'll pretend like I don't care
I'm the issue
and I don't wanna bring you down

Im gonna give up
give up and be some other clone
not gonna scream
cause' I don't wanna bring you down

I'm the issue
ok I'll be some other girl
I'm the problem
So I'll pretend like I don't care
I'm the issue
and I don't wanna bring anyone down



(c) Bonnie B.

Tests... again *grin*

You Are a Chick Rocker!

You're living proof that chicks can rock You're inspired by Joan Jett and the Donnas And when you rock, you rock hard (Plus, you get all the cute guy groupies you want!)

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

You Are Somewhat Honest

You do tend to tell the truth a lot But you also stretch the truth on occasion You figure a little lie isn't a big deal As long as it doesn't hurt anyone too much!

How Honest Are You?

You Will Die at Age 58

58 Not bad, considering your super wild lifestyle Want to live longer? Try losing a few bad habits.

What Age Will You Die?

You Aren't In the Best Of Moods

While you aren't full on depressed, things aren't going your way. You may be hurt, angry, frustrated... or all three. Not to worry - you'll be feeling fine in no time.

What Mood Are You In?

You Are a Drama Princess (or Prince)

(You are more dramatic than 30% of the population.) You're not over the top dramatic, but you have your moments. You know how to steal the spotlight... And how to act out to get your way. People around you know that you're good for a laugh. But at times, your drama gets a bit too much for everyone. Tone it down a tad, and you'll still be the center of attention.

Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

You Are A Romantic Realist

You are more romantic than 50% of the population. You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance. Sure, you can fall hard... but only for someone you've gotten to know. And once you're in love, you can be a total romantic goofball... But you'd never admit it to your friends!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

You Are From Mercury

You are talkative, clever, and knowledgeable - and it shows. You probably never leave home without your cell phone! You're witty, expressive, and aware of everything going on around you. You love learning, playing, and taking in all of what life has to offer. Be careful not to talk your friends' ears off, and temper your need to know everything.

What Planet Are You From?

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

John is your soulmate.

You truly love Peter.

You consider Rachel your true friend.

You know that Alex is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Evan for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Caitlyn is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Jeremy is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Sara is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Sara changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think John is shy and nonconfrontational. And that John has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

More Test thingys

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent. You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored. You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts. And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

What Your Underwear Says About You

When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble! You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

Your Band Name Is

The Queen of Convicts

Band Name Generator

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gorgeous Warrior. Where You Lived: Ireland. How You Died: Suicide.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Daddy Is Johnny Depp

What You Call Him: Daddy Dearest Why You Love Him: You don't love him, you just love calling him "daddy"

Who's Your Daddy?

Overall, Your Observation Skills Get: D

You know that you remembered to put on underwear today... But really, that's about it!

How Observant Are You?

TESTS!!

You Are 21 Years Old

21 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 71% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more open with you.

With respect to money, you spend carefully and save your pennies.

You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be methodical in your ways - with trouble adapting to the rules of society.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match.

Who's the True You?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You May Be a Bit Borderline ...

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame! When you're up, you're a little bit crazy... And when you're down, your whole world is crashing Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

What Personality Disorder Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 60%

Sloth: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Pride: 20%

Greed: 0%

Lust: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 26%

You will die at the hands of a jealous lover. How ironic.

How Sinful Are You?

In 1990 (the year you were born)

George H.W. Bush is president of the US Operation Desert Shield forces leave for Saudi Arabia to defend them following the invasion of Kuwait Congress passes Americans with Disabilities Act Nelson Mandela is released from a South African prison East and West Germany are reunified The first McDonald's opens in Moscow, Russia Super Mario Brothers 3 is released on the Nintendo Entertainment System console, selling over 6 million copies The Space Shuttle Discovery places the Hubble Space Telescope into orbit Windows 3.0 is released by Microsoft Cincinnati Reds win the World Series San Francisco 49ers win Superbowl XXIV Edmonton Oilers win the Stanley Cup Home Alone is the top grossing film Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton is published "Vision of Love" by Mariah Carey spends the most time at the top of the US charts Chris Farley and Adam Sandler join Saturday Night Live

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

Saturday night

ok you have probibly heard a bit about saterday night by now, from poeple or Rae's blog post... *laughs* But Im going to pretend it dosen't exist sooooo it dosen't *grin*

My Brothers Brirthday

It's my brothers Birthday today. I don't know what he's doing but I know its his Birthday....so yeah

Daddy and Mommy

daddy stop drinking your life away
mommy stop crying in the dark

daddy stop yelling
Mommy stop screaming

daddy stop looking at me like it was the last time you were gonna see me
mommy stop pretending like you don't see this is hurting me

daddy stop acting like everything ok
mommy stop giving daddy those dirty looks

daddy stop calling mommy all those names
mommy stop being so hard on daddy

daddy stop acting like you know me
mommy stop lying to me, when you know I see

daddy stop leaving and "going to the store"
mommy stop yelling at me

daddy I know your scared
mommy I know you are too

daddy keep on praying
mommy keep on telling him you love him

daddy let God take some of that pressure
mommy please help daddy

Daddy, Mommy, I Love you.





(c) Bonnie B.

Spinning. Turning.

Endless thoughts
thickening plots
I'm going nowhere
can't bear this despair

fleeting memories
I've lost it all
why can't I think straight
What is to be my fate

My head is spinning
My world is turning
Somthings changing
crawing cause' I can't stand
crying cause' I can

summers gone winters coming
to bring me back my sleeping pain
summers gone, and it took with it
all thats left of me

people call me beautiful
but if they could only see
the beauty they see is hard
Cold and hard

My head is spinning
My world is turning
Somthings changing
crawing cause' I can't stand
crying cause' I can

days go by, nightmares come
someone tell me what are my symptoms
I'll just wait here in the dark
and let life make another mark

My head is spinning
My world is turning
Somthings changing
crawing cause' I can't stand
crying cause' I have to



(c) Bonnie B.

Dancing in the Rain

Becoming nothing
when I was so-post to be everything
how the H3ll did I end up like this
broken dreams,I'll just blow that kiss

lost to the point of insanity
but I keep that smile on my pretty face
and show em' all I don't give a care
I'll show em' all that

I've Lost it
laughing in my pain
I've Lost it
dancing in the rain
I've lost it
but I'll tell you that Im sane

tears run down my face
leaving that lil' trace
Of what Im really feeling
though you won't ever know

trying to be something more
but I keep having to ignore
that Im losing more then I gain
my life is going down the drain

I've Lost it
laughing in my pain
I've Lost it
dancing in the rain
I've lost it
but I'll tell you that Im sane

lost all feeling I have inside
waiting for this numbness to subside
ask me if Im ok, ask me if I'm happy
I'll give you an answer but I lie

forgot how to laugh like I mean it
forgot everything that used to be me
forgot myself in the someone I was trying to be
so why can't I forget how much I hate me

I've Lost it
pretending It's ok
I've Lost it
rembering that I lied
I've lost it

I've Lost it
laughing in my pain
I've Lost it
dancing in the rain
I've lost it
but I'll tell you that Im sane
I've lost myself in the rain




(c) Bonnie B. (AKA: Jezzibel)